December 12, 2023
I know I said I was ok but I'm not sure that is true. Depression seeps in between the bones and the joints. It settles under the skin in a thick, dark layer. Sadness weighs so much I can barely drag it around. I miss my Mom deeply and I miss her unflinching admiration and support.
In March I was laid off from work. She believed that wherever I landed, they would be lucky to have me. Her fundamental belief in my value and relevance was catching. I've always thought that I have a higher self-esteem than I should because Mom stuffed me so full of unconditional love. The first few months were busy with applications and interviews and I wasn't really worried. It was only a matter of time until I found the right fit for me. Then, I let the job search slip to the bottom of the list as her health faltered and I helped care for her. Now, I'm back on the hunt and as the months of unemployment have added up so has the brutal hit to my self-esteem. Unemployment has brought uncertainty and self-doubt and she is not here to chase away the insecurities.
I've come to this place where Mom is gone and the children are busy with their own lives and I am left alone to wonder why it is taking so long to find meaningful employment. There seems to be only one answer to the problem, me. Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and I feel less capable and less engaging day after day.
I love what I do and the few contract jobs I've taken have reminded me how much I miss creating, researching and writing. I'm always shocked when I look up from my work to see that two hours have slipped by in a matter of minutes. I miss the high from being in a state of flow.
Dragging myself through this process without her is really, really hard. As we glide into the holiday season, I have no holly jolly to give. This too will pass and I will miss her BIG for another reason but right now I need her as my self-confidence booster and employment coach.
"Since employment is a key source of identity and an organizational frame for daily life in our cultures, unemployed individuals suffer psychological and social distress. It is well researched that unemployment is connected with negative health consequences. Unemployment leads to stress-related illnesses and lowered self-esteem as a result of unmet psychological and social needs in such contexts as: time structure, social interaction, common goals, status, identity, recognition and also uncertainty about the future, financial instability, and loss of vocational identity... That is why questions of coping become key issues." - Aamaas, Keenan, Sedmak & Van Der Zijden, Resilience and Unemployment