November 3, 2023
An old friend texted tonight, “How are you doing? Sometimes it’s harder after things have gotten quiet.” Because people are kind, it’s a question I get asked often and truthfully it’s not a simple answer because I miss Mom and I REALLY want to talk to her but the grief is so pure, it’s not unbearable.
There have been two times in my life when I have consciously and profoundly spent time in a season of sorrow. My first long battle with grief was the loss of my 25 year marriage and the second, where I am now, is mourning the loss of my beloved Mother.
The first trip down that dark road was so conflicted, there was anger, pain, doubt, fear, shame, worry, resentment, anxiety, etc. Every day was a study of torturous emotions, I could never rest easy. It took years to come to peace with the loss and all that happened. I look back at that period of grief with horror.. it really was unbearable.
Grieving my Mother is much, much gentler. I have no regrets. I have no resentments. My love for her is unqualified, my memories of her are lovely. Her final words to me were, “I love you”. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she knew how hard I was working to ease her gently out of this world. She knew how much I loved her and appreciated her. We had a wonderful relationship. My love was pure and my grief is pure. I do feel sad and I miss her terribly but I don’t feel conflicted. The grief is peaceful, it is just accepting that a sad but natural event occurred. There are no deep questions to figure out, no learning to live without apologies, no remembering my own value, etc. It is grief BUT it is bearable.
Don’t get me wrong, I miss mom but…. I really am doing okay.