October 10, 2023
Dozens of times each day I swat aside the impulse to call Mom. It’s a mini heartache each time consciousness has to rebuke the unconscious urge. By the end of the day, the bits of pain have collected enough weight that I can feel it dully resting in the center of my chest. Every time I put creamer in my coffee, back out of the driveway, when the kids call with news or I think of a question for her or an answer for her - the deeply ingrained reflex activates. We lived our lives together - apart. We haven’t lived in the same city in more than 30 years but since we stopped paying for long distance by the minute, we share our lives intimately. All the leftover bits of time were filled up with phone calls to keep our running dialogue as fresh as if we were roommates. How deeply I long to hear her answer the phone, “Hey Girl”. I took her phone back home with me after the funeral, I planned to download the photos or anything else I might want before they turned it off but mostly I just like having it… I have 3/4ths of the things I need to have a nice long chat… I’m only missing her.