Mom,
Are you there? Can you hear me?
Tomorrow is your 60th wedding anniversary and the day after that is six months since you've been gone. Did you miss it all?
In your final days, when you could not talk, did you see us? Did you see us all working together? Did you feel the love? Did you hear me tell you over and over again how much I love you? Did we give you enough medicine? Were you uncomfortable? After you were gone, did you feel me kiss your cold cheek and cry as I put the blanket over you? It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Were you with me?
If you were there in the days after as we prepared for your funeral, you must have been so proud of Dad. He wanted everything to be so nice for you. Did you see Sue & Cliff and Jan & Gordon at the house after? Oh, I know you were pleased to see so much family in your house, eating and talking.
Did you hear Kayla's speech at the funeral? I hope you did! Did you feel your friends, neighbors and church rush in to support us in any way they could? I was so humbled by the outpouring, I know you were too. It's no accident that so many were quick to show grace for a woman as kind and loving as you.
Can you hear Dad and I on the phone? Who could believe Dad would talk on the phone so much! He's looking after me as much as I am looking after him. My heart breaks for Dad. How do you have your 60th wedding anniversary without your partner? I know he feels sad and misses you.
Were you there at the family Christmas party? We finally did it! We got everyone together for a night of games and dirty Santa and food! It was so fun! When I started planning Dad just gave me his credit card and said to make it good! Who is this man? I think he is just doing what you would have wanted. I hope you were there with us.
I missed you at Kayla's beautiful wedding. I hope there was a way you could see. She was stunning -- of course! They had an empty seat next to Dad for you. I sat on the other side mostly because I didn't want Dad to sit alone but also, in case you were there, I wanted to sit by you. Andy and Kelly hosted such a wonderful evening and it was so fun to see the whole family dance the night away. You would have LOVED it, or maybe you did love it. Were you there?
All the grandkids' lives are moving so quickly. Do you know what they are doing? Ethan is living in VA and working in DC. Quinton is about to start his PhD. Avery got into the nursing program she wanted and Sam is going to UT Knoxville. There will be 3 graduations this Spring!
I hope you know, I talk to Kay on the phone often. Sometimes it feels a bit like I'm talking to you. I know you would be so grateful to have a bestie making sure your girl is ok.
Did you miss it all? I’ve asked nearly every person I’ve had a conversation of any depth with, what do you believe after someone dies. Is your loved one with you? Can they see you? Do they know what is happening? Do they send you signs? There are as many answers as there are people to ask. I keep searching for any sign that you are “with” me in some way. Sometimes I talk aloud to you, sometimes I text you but mostly I just imagine our conversations. I always make up little scenarios in my head to fall asleep and often they are of you and I on wonderful vacations.
I just want there to be some way that you are still connected, not just in memories, not just in the past, but today. I’ve been so depressed for the last six months, I know that if there was any way possible in this world or the next for you to reach me, you would have. So, maybe you are just gone. But, if you can hear me or sense me you should know, I love you and I am so deeply grateful that I got you – that you were my mom. I’m sad that you and Dad will not be having dinner tomorrow night and I’m heartbroken that you might have missed the last six months. Dad said the flowers are blooming in your front garden. I had to look back at the photo you sent last spring to imagine them. I hope you can see them.
Lynn
