april is about laying groundwork, quiet preparation. we know this, but the spam of social media and the news makes us forget that what we have the privilege (or horror) to witness with our fleeting senses is only a superficial reflection of the effort behind the scenes. all that work is moments of non-being. we remember the flashy easy to summarise moments, the exhibition openings, the first warmth of sun in spring, the first time we travelled on our own. we forget (or neglect) the time leading up to it, the winding down after. perhaps because our memory capacity is limited, or we dont have language or trained our appetite for all the other moments besides.
i think about the unjust genocidal crusade happening to Palestine. we see images and news, killings and destruction, and they are absolutely important. but there is also the mealtime or the lack of food and water. there is the sleep time, or the attempt to as you fear the coming of another day. there is the, dare i say it, "boring" (not quite the word) "tiresome" "unremarkable"? journey, the hours of walking to find new shelter.
i think about the peaceful student protests against violence, about the climate destruction of earth, about labour and income inequality, demonstrations about every fucked thing our human species has contributed to. i think about the police turned violent against these peaceful protests, i think about the complicity of institutions, i think about the staff who work for these corporations not because they agree but because they need money to live a life, money that is unequally distributed and irresponsibly stewarded by corrupted power. we dont know how any of these people do their laundry, how they prepare for a protest. we dont see what happens after they are beaten, or taken away against will.
there was the big earthquake in taiwan earlier in april, the image of that toppling building in Hualien. there is footage of people crying about losing their homes, or people struck in shock/awe at the power of nature. for someone far away they dont know that there has been hundreds of aftershocks ever since that big one on april 3rd. i cannot tell whether i am moving or the earth is moving. we get used to earthquakes, or forget it. we continue our grocery shopping, school and work, scrolling through our medias, regardless of whether we have been rendered homeless or not by natural disaster.
i dont know what to do with all this as i continue to do preparation work for YAHAHA, all the boring tiresome unflashy efforts that are unseen. i hope only to create a space that champions care and sustainable growth, a space that honours both individual interest and collective action, a space that maintains quality without unnecessary gatekeeping. i fear the temptation of power or control, of becoming a "bad" institution. i fear that even if such an ideal space was created, it is still built on the evils of our modern society, the inescapable capitalist greed. i fear most that the world is not ready for such a space, that people, for whatever valid reason, dont participate.
time keeps passing and we barely have time to process all the sensations and emotions and thoughts of living life. we have learnt not to, because spending time to process time, ironically, prevents us from experiencing life. i turned 30 in april. there is nothing quite exceptional about it. no cake or special announcement or media feature. it is only exceptional when i begin to process the fact that i have lived 30 years of life. we go through so many stages in our lives, and we often mark these stages through our social and civic engagements, 2 years in the army, 4 years in college, more than 10 years of artistic practice. 30 years is hard to process. it used to be a miracle to live so long. and it still is, given all the random opportunities to lose life in traffic accidents, sickness, natural disasters, wars. i am lucky to have life and desire it even though it is not the kind of voracious hunger for experiences i had when i was younger. i am no less angry or passionate, though less publicly expressive about it. i am lucky to have all the things and the relationships i have. i am lucky to not have to struggle to survive. i hope we can all share in this luck. i hope we can all have the luxury of time and resources to savour the unseen, boring preparation work, i hope we are all lucky enough to be bored.
highlights:
4/1 today we went windowshopping for beds. am looking forward to a good bed for these few years.
4/2 bought our dining table. registered for my driving license. a feeling of having to make decisions that will impact my future in a real way. this feeling comes with a sudden abruptness, of a i dont have a choice ness.
4/3 the big news today is the big earthquake. in my time here this was the biggest feeling so far. it is also the strongest earthquake in taiwan in years. a reminder of our own mortality. in other news we went to look at aircondition today for our new space. very expensive. we have to relook our budget and our needs and wants. there are so many things beyond our control.
4/4 a lot of naming and writing these days. clarifying the motivation and meaning of YAHAHA. good practise.
4/7 grappling with the notion of a compassionate position of power, uncorrupt systems, a desire to organise, questioning its usefulness, clarifying foresight
4/9 a new haircut. a lot of work and losing games through the night. a contrast of enjoyment from work and suffering from game. this is how i crossover into 30.
4/13 i had a dream earlier today that i was being invited by boygenius to perform (sing) with them at a groundup community festival? we were gonna do Without You Without Them. i spent the afternoon individually with lucy and then with phoebe (who took a foto of me with her film camera, of course), then i realised i never saw julien?? sadly i woke before we got to our set
4/16 first YAHAHA online meeting. been doing so much work on our own. finally facing artists. feels real. also reshot a video piece today. i rarely have the opportunity or desire to return to a previous work i made and make amendments to it. i am so happy with the improvement in quality for the new version!
4/17 back in school for a bit. memories. and a reminder of how much i have changed, how i have managed my life. and reminded, despite all, supportive teachers.
4/22 earthquake days gives me the feeling of after being on a boat the slight to noticeable shaking i cant quite tell now whether i am shaking or the world around me is shaking
4/23 today we started the process to officially register our company and bank account.
4/27 spontaneity and discipline. to strike a balance between the two
四月是打底，默默的準備。雖然我們知道但社群媒體和新聞的過量會讓我們忘記那瞬間的感觸，那些我們有榮幸和不幸體驗的也都只是表面，背後隱藏著許多努力。那些工作都是非存在的瞬間 (moments of non-being)。我們會記得善良容易總結的瞬間，展覽開幕，春天太陽的第一次暖和，第一次自己旅行。我們忘記（或忽略）那瞬間前的時間，之後的收場。也許因為記憶容量有限，或是我們沒有語言也沒有好好訓練對於瞬間以外的胃口。
我想起在巴勒斯坦發生著不公平的滅絕。我們看到圖像和新聞，謀殺和破壞，這些都重要。但也還有吃飯時間或缺食缺水。還有睡覺時間，或試圖在害怕隔天的到來中休息。還有，我敢說嗎，“無聊”（錯字？）“心累” “不起眼”？的旅途，上小時的行走，尋找下一個避難所。
我想起學生們對於暴力的和平抗議，地球的氣候毀滅，勞動和貧富不均，抗議人類造成的所有爛事。我想起警方使用暴力對待和平抗議，我想起機幕後的參與，我想起這些企業裡的員工，為了錢而不是為了原則工作，那不平等分配不負責處理的錢。我們不知道這些人怎麼洗衣服，他們怎麼為示威準備。我們沒看到他們被打之後，或被帶走之後。
四月初在台灣有大地震，在花蓮有個倒塌的高樓的影像，有因為失去房子而哭的人的影像，被大自然的力量驚呆著的影像。對於遙遠的人來說，他們不知道，至從四月三號地震那天，還有發生了上百的餘震。我說不出是我在動還是地在動。我們習慣地震，或忘了它。不管有沒有被地震造成無家可歸，我們繼續買菜，上學和上班，滑手機媒體。
我不知道有上面這些資訊可做什麼，而我繼續為 YAHAHA 籌備工作時，所有那些無聊心累不閃亮不被看到的努力。我只希望製造一個強調關懷和永續成長的空間，尊重個人興趣和群體活動的空間，維持品質但不多餘排斥的空間。我怕權利和控制的誘惑，怕變成 “壞” 機構。我怕就算這個理想的空間成形，它還是建造在現代社會的罪惡，那逃離不了的資本主義貪欲。我最怕是世界沒準備好擁有這個空間，而大家，不知為了什麼正理，不參與。
時間走著而我們正確少時間消化所有生活中的感觸，情緒，念頭。我們學會把它們放著，因為花時間消化時間只會阻止我們體驗生活。在四月裡我跨進 30。沒什麼特殊的。沒蛋糕或特別宣布或媒體專訪。當我開始消化已經體驗了30年的生活時我才感覺到它的特殊。人生有那麼多階段，我們使用社會的結構去分配時間，當兵兩年，大學四年，多過十年的藝術創作。30年很難消化。曾經能活那麼久是個奇蹟。而還真是奇蹟，如果考慮那些許多隨即失去生命的機會，車禍，生病，天災，戰爭。我很幸運有生命和有繼續生活著的慾望，即便它不再是之前年輕時的火熱。我還是一樣生氣或熱情，只差在不公開表達。我很幸運可以擁有我擁有的東西和感情。我很幸運不用為了生存而掙扎。我希望我們都可以分享這個幸運。我希望我們都可以擁有時間和資源去享受看不見，無趣的籌備工作，我希望我們都可以有允許無聊無趣的幸運。
精華:
4/1 今天去看床。期待這幾年可以有好床睡。
4/2 買了餐桌。駕訓班註冊。一個感覺做了很多會影響未來的決定。一個突然感，一個沒什麼選者的感覺。
4/3 今天的大新聞時大地震。是目前在台灣我感受過最強烈的。也是在台灣近期最強烈的地震。生死的提醒。我們去看了冷氣。很貴。要檢討預算和分辨要求和需求。有那麼多我們沒法控制的。
4/4 這幾天很多取名和寫作。整理出 YAHAHA 的意義和動機。好練習。
4/7 糾結著慈悲的權勢者，不貪污的思痛，整理的慾望，實用性的疑問，弄清遠見。
4/9 新髮型。做了很多事，整晚遊戲都在輸。奇怪的對比：享受工作和辛苦遊戲。就這樣跨進 30 了。
4/13 今天夢到被邀請到獨立市集跟 boygenius 表演 （歌唱）？演出 Without You Without Them。下午單獨跟 lucy 然後 phoebe （她拿底片相機拍我），然後發現沒見到 julien ？可以在表演前我就醒了。
4/16 第一次 YAHAHA 線上開會。私下籌備了那麼多。終於面對藝術家了。感覺開始真實。還有從新拍了之前的錄像作品。很少有機會或慾望回到之前的作品修改。很開心與新版本的品質！
4/17 回學校一下。回憶。提醒自己變了多少，怎麼處理自己的生活。被提醒，無論如何，還是有支持我的老師們。
4/22 地震日子讓我有個像在船上後的震動，說不出是我在搖還是世界在搖。
4/23 今天開始了正式註冊公司和戶頭的程序。
4/27 自發（隨即）和自律（規則）。要在兩者之間找個平衡。