Ten long days ago, on the last day of March, it was my birthday. And it was as strange as my other 36 birthdays in this present life because birthdays have always been a source of anxiety to me, principally because I've always been overly disturbed when somehow in the center of attention.
As someone who is always quite socially awkward, dealing with societal expectations is a huge confrontation with myself, and few occasions may feel as demanding as celebrating our own life. An event in honor of my existence. Seeing people who we love, as well as those whom we don't love too much, sending warm wishes has become, with the years, a sort of an emotional battle. As I grew older, I finally came to accept that there's no necessity of going so deep, and started to realize that everything is nothing but good vibrations with the best of intentions.
My standard state of emotions, however, remains to panic when the date of my birth comes closer every year. My instinctive reaction is to hide myself from the world, maybe because I'm sharing it ten days later. It feels 'safer' in a sense. Is it normal behavior?
Or is it just an obsession for safety that could be understandable coming from those who happen to be a Ukrainian citizen these days?
In a time and a nation marked by uncertainty, fear, and loss, the simple act of commemorating another year of life can feel trivial, even incongruous. However, I learned that leaving our comfort zone is often the hardest option but almost always the correct thing to do, so I'm here writing about my birthday.
I decided to change my mind and start caring about my anniversary. Our happiness is not just the result of sunny days but rather how we choose to face the storms together, with respect, understanding, and mutual support. Every obstacle has strengthened our lives and self-knowledge, which are always strengthened in pain. Every nice word from a friend has increased our gratitude for having each other.
So I thank everyone who sent messages on my birthday. All were very important to me. I'm reading every single one.
Maybe it was the cycle in which I transformed myself the most. Writing became an essential part of what I am, and I feel that my words have followed this transformation. Those who joined my journey since the beginning probably noticed some change.
Throughout these two years, we have shared moments of joy and sadness, of achievements and challenges, but we have always sewn together the quilt of our friendship, our dreams, and goals. Over this time, we together have learned to value the little things, the value of everyday life, no matter the country we are in or the circumstances we are facing.
I don't like to write about myself, but I understand that these feelings are not related only to me but maybe a reflection of the collective moment of Ukraine and the world, so it might be interesting. Because even though history is decided by the big leaders inside palaces and mansions, what shapes history is what happens inside the hearts of common people like you and me.
Here I continue my history and my story, day after day, hoping to reach you with something that would raise a little reflection and humanity.
And thank you again for the messages. With no fears attached.