I was listening to someone talk about the importance of friendship. It was such a conversation it pushed me into looking into my own lifelong issue with friends.
Growing up, I was never taught boundaries. I was essentially told to accept everyone who comes along - welcome them into my life - be kind and nice to them always - no matter how they treated me. When I was bullied, I was asked what I did to deserve it. Back then adults weren't aware enough to understand much less had the skills to dive into the world of emotional needs. Mental needs. If you had a roof over your head and food to eat, that was enough.
But it wasn't, was it?
Today we know different. (Well, most of us do.)
I was the type who smiled easily during my youngest years. I did just as you read above: I welcomed anyone into my life with heart-felt enthusiasm. I befriended anyone who showed interest in spending time with me. And wow kapow did that to years and years of disappointment, confusion and absolute heartbreak. My biggest focus was to befriend the new kid - the new girl. My unchecked empathy went into overdrive and I was determined to make the new kid feel welcomed. Tossing that loving bone to the new puppy usually turned into the new girl becoming a nasty bulldog who tossed me aside once she connected with the more popular girls. I remember one particularly confusing/painful experience. I had my friend over. She had showed signs of wanting to go hang with the more popular girls but would still show willingness to hang out with me. I still played with dolls. The popular girls? Not so much apparently. One afternoon she and I hung out at my house, playing with paper dolls. We had so much fun. The next day at school I made a little paper doll out of notebook paper, walked over to her and gave it to her as a gift, saying "Remember yesterday?" She turned bright red, refused the doll and said "NO!", walking away. You see, the popular girls were with her. Today I understand why she did what she did. Not to say it's ok - just that I know how girls that age can be - more motivated by fitting in even if it makes you uncomfortable. She never came over to my house again.
Such experiences happened over and over. By the time I got into high school, I decided to become very selective - which included my heart to become a bit harder - and given my teenage rebellion, I was more interested in hanging out with others who wanted to change the system. Another brick in the wall. "Hey teachers leave us kids alone!"
That was me.
Behind that scowl I was told I wore too often ("you have such a beautiful smile! you should use it more!" I was told) was a hurt heart who just wanted others to give me the love and attention I was always willing to give. Hurt one of my friends or loved ones? I'm going to step up and call you out. Did that behavior come back to me?
Not. once.
I realized these people I was defending - they never appreciated me. Never cared for me at the level I did for them. When I went through the end of my first marriage, most of my friends exited claiming "we have outgrown one another".
I managed to create a small circle of friends during highschool. We stuck together - through college - attended weddings, celebrated birth of children. Then I decided to leave my first husband. Suddenly all of these friends left. "We've just outgrown each other," I was told.
I realized something at that time - I had been on a journey for years of self-exploration - healing - understanding myself and the world around me. But everyone around me - was content with the status quo - both out in the world and within. My first marriage ended because he did not want to continue the "personal growth" journey I was on with me. I wondered - am I going to end up alone?
I remember at the time being told a few things - one I was lit up like a Christmas Tree and I needed to ground myself and two, wearing my heart on my sleeve without protection was going to get myself hurt.
Nah, I thought.
Well, I was wrong.
BIGLY.
It took me years later to finally "get" that an open heart without boundaries will lead one to heartache.
Today, I am much more discerning in who I allow into my life.
I take things slow (which is still difficult at times for me as I still feel like that enthusiastic child within who just wants to show you my entire barbie collection and tell you all of my secrets).
If there's something that bothers me, I find the courage to discuss it and remain open in wanting to hear the same from others - if something I do is causing conflict, I really want to know (as long as it's presented in a respectful manner - I am quite overly DONE with that narcissistic type personality that blames others for everything - 20,000 fingers pointed your way and every which way with none facing them - thus leaving a toxic trail of conversational nonsense).
Maybe I'm in the wrong world (wouldn't surprise me - I always did feel I got pushed off the train at the wrong stop).
Right or wrong, I'm here though.
Rethinking the whole friendship thing.
Rethinking relationships as a whole.
Processing.
Healing.
Releasing.
Understanding.
Expanding.
Seeking others doing the same.
And maybe be willing to make little paper dolls and play now and then.
Love,
Victoria