These pieces are free to read because I want them to reach people who need a heartfelt escape from today's world. Supporting with a coffee is how we keep the next one coming. 🙏 (I'm having to deal with another appliance repair - dryer stopped heating so it needs a new element. Please if you can help me with this just hit that support button below.)
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It was 1996.
A movie came out that captured the heart and Soul of many humans.
What began as a Mission Statement from a man who was slowly losing his passion, his heart, his original reason for becoming a Sports Agent, morphed into a series of events that left him without a job, leaving him with just one client, Pro Football Player Rod Tidwell, loyal accountant Dorothy Boyd and her young son Ray. Dorothy, who believes so much in Jerry's Mission Statement she leaves the company to join up with him in his new solo venture and who later becomes his wife.
Jerry. A man with passion and heart for his work as a Sports Agent. A man who is terrified of intimacy, of being alone. A man who is all in his head when it comes to intimate relationships.
Rod. Jerry's only client throughout the majority of the film who is very much the same but also the opposite. Rod approaches his life on the football field from his head. But off field, with his family, with his wife, he is all heart.
Two men with the same problem - a lack of heart in one important area in their life.
I remember when I first watched the movie. I was ending a marriage. My heart, while aching and lonely, was very hopeful. So much so I was told by my soon to be ex that I wore my heart on my sleeve and if I continued doing that, the world would destroy me. I remember he said it in a way that left me wondering if he was accusing me, judging me or envious OF me.
Yes, I admitted at the time. Of course I wore my heart on my sleeve. What other way IS there to live?
Years later, as I was sobbing, my father told me this world was a difficult place for someone (referring to me) with a tender heart.
It was only a few years ago did I begin to hear those words in my mind and I realized - they were right. I put my heart out into the world, trusted far too many people, was far too honest and open and I got my ass kicked. Men. Friends. Employers. Locals. Even with my research and writings online.
My heart, I realized, was full on broken. So much so, I realized a little over a year ago, or so, give or take, that I had become apathetic. The fake smile I had begun to wear on the outside had disappeared, only to be replaced with a scowl. I simply lost faith in humanity. But mostly, I lost faith in me. In my heart. I no longer felt safe trusting in, well, anything.
But I kept going, pushing myself. And pushing myself. From my MIND. My heart having been put away, inside a little cage. "If you wear your heart on your sleeve the world will destroy you."
Tonight I watched Jerry Maguire again.
And this time, I saw myself. I saw how afraid I have become to open up my heart again - to anyone. Slowly I had built a wall around myself.
I saw the true meaning of the movie. The message. The difference between living from the mind and living from the heart. I saw myself through the emotional outpourings of both Jerry and Rod. Tears welled up in my eyes as I began to remember who I once used to be. Passionate. Leading from the heart. Speaking from the heart.
You see, it wasn't just intimate relationships that went really really bad that created this.
It was also me being me around others. Something happened during covid. It made us question one another. Fear one another. Different perspectives were not allowed. A cult-like mentality took over and anyone who did not follow the narrative being pushed by the "experts" on television was criticized. Abandoned. Rejected. The media painted people like me in the same light they do murderers and criminals.
It was horrible.
HORRIBLE.
The feeling of being told "cannot have you in my life" because of a differing opinion was nearly the final blow to my heart that was already closing off. And I heard it from many people in my life at the time.
Tonight I could see the pattern that set up within me. The words of my ex spouse spoke loudly now: He was right. You put your heart out there, you be yourself, the world will destroy you. So I built up on last little cave around my heart and just sort of drifted. In isolation.
And yet watching Jerry Maguire tonight, I also saw who I once was.
The part of me that is ALWAYS there.
The words of my heart.
The voice of my Soul.
The part of me that still believes in Love.
The part of me that still longs for it.
The part of me that believes in loyalty.
That believes we can still love one another even when differences enter the picture.
I am an eternal romantic. I still believe there is someone wonderful, truly wonderful, out there just for me.
And underneath the apathetic pessimism that has built up in me, I am also an optimistic dreamer.
A dreamer who knows that not only is the world what we believe it to be, but also what we make it to be - and that the life and reality we long for, from the heart, from the Soul, is ALWAYS possible.
You see, it's been a very long time since I have truly felt any of this, certainly for any length of time much past a moment of inspiration.
And tonight, I cried a lot of tears over that loss.
The years I just drifted.
The hours wasted scowling, pushing potential relationships away because I was simply too damn afraid to get burned again.
Mostly, what I cried for, what I almost completely lost: ME.
Like Jerry said, this world is a cynical place. Today, more than ever, certainly more than in my lifetime, this world is deeply cynical. So that means, we need more heart.
More Soul.
More relating. More trusting.
More connecting.
More listening.
From the Heart.
Because to be honest, I'm god damn done with most everything that is coming from the judgmental minds of far too many of us. Myself included.
Don't get lost in the stories of the brain.
The world has too much of that.
Get lost in the possibilities of the Soul.
It is time to remember the language that comes when we speak from our heart.
Take it from me - someone who once used to be that way - but got so lost because I thought I could no longer trust others, because I thought being ME was something to keep just TO me.
But in this deeply cynical world, well I'm going to say this and I don't care how it sounds: this cynical pit needs more heart - more people like who I once was to become that way again and live life with passion, authenticity, and from the Heart.
💖
Victoria
Welcome! I'm Victoria, Mama, writer, pianist, and storyteller.
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