Okay so imagine this. You wake up one morning, look at your rabbit and he just goes “Good morning.”
I would actually scream.
Because if my rabbit could talk, I already know he would have SO much to say. And unfortunately, he has been in my house long enough to know way too much about me. And he is the only one I talk to when i NEED to gossip.
He has seen me at my best. He has seen me at my worst. He has seen me eat random things at weird times, walk around my room doing absolutely nothing, say ‘I'm going to clean my room’ and then somehow not clean my room, and probably a lot of other things that I would prefer to keep private.
And the thing is, I KNOW he would expose me. Like if I'm sitting with my friends and my rabbit suddenly says, “Oh, she didn't tell you about - ”
SHUT UP.
RIGHT NOW.
Nobody asked you.
Go eat your hay.
I also know he would complain about me 24/7.
“Why didn't you give me food?”
“You literally ate five minutes ago.”
“I don't remember that.”
“Yes you do.”
“I want more.”
BRO, PLEASE. I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS.
And then he would probably act like I'm the worst owner ever while sitting there with food, water and everything he needs. He would also have the most random things to say. Like why do you keep staring at me? What is going on in that tiny little head? Because sometimes I look at him and he looks back at me and I SWEAR he knows something.
Like sir...
What do you know?
Why are you looking at me like that?
And if he could talk, I would finally ask him.
And knowing my luck, he'd probably just say, “Nothing.”
EXCUSE ME.
You have been staring at me for five whole minutes.
There is DEFINITELY something.
Also, I know he would gossip. I don't care what anyone says. Animals have to gossip. You cannot convince me that my rabbit just sits there all day thinking about nothing. He probably has a whole secret rabbit society.
“Guys, she's coming.”
“Did she bring food?”
“No.”
“Ugh. Disappointing.”
And honestly, I don't even want to know what he says about me when I'm not there. Because what if I ask him, “What do you do when I'm gone?” and he says, “We have meetings.”
WE???
Who is WE???
At that point I'm moving out.
So yeah, I think it's probably for the best that my rabbit can't talk. He can continue sitting there looking cute and pretending he doesn't understand me. And I can continue pretending I don't see the judgement in his eyes. Because if that little guy ever learns English, I'm finished. Not embarrassed.
Not in trouble.
FINISHED.
