Chapter 1: Waking Up Is a Scam
Let’s get one thing straight — waking up is a trap. You’re warm, cocooned in your blanket, dreaming of something mildly illegal but emotionally satisfying, and then suddenly BAM — an alarm clock screaming like it owes you money.
You wake up confused. Disoriented. Your soul hasn’t even downloaded yet. You’re just a meat puppet staring at the ceiling like:
“What year is it? What planet? Am I still enrolled in school somehow?”
And that’s when the betrayal begins.
Stages of Waking Up: A Timeline
1. Denial:
“No. Absolutely not. This is a prank.”
You close your eyes. Pretend time isn’t real. Hope the universe just skips this part.
2. Bargaining:
“Five more minutes. I swear I’ll get up after this one very specific song on repeat for the last three years.”
3. Anger:
At the sun. At birds. At people who wake up early “for fun.” Who hurt you?
4. Depression:
You remember your responsibilities. Emails. Bills. That one awkward message you sent at 1:23am.
5. Acceptance:
You finally sit up like a haunted Victorian child. Cold, empty, eyes full of dread.
Fun Fact: The Floor is Lava
You know it’s cold. Your feet know it’s cold. But society demands productivity, so you throw yourself out of bed like a sack of potatoes heading to a very disappointing microwave.
The floor greets you like:
“Haha. Suffer.”
How to Wake Up Like a Functional Human (Fake Guide)
• Set 14 alarms.
• Name them things like “YOU WILL REGRET THIS” or “THE IRS IS COMING.”
• Still ignore them all.
• Eventually rise, not out of motivation, but out of shame and coffee cravings.
In conclusion: Waking up is capitalism’s way of saying “screw your peace.” But we do it anyway. Not because we want to — but because bills exist and coffee doesn’t drink itself.
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