How many women living in toxic abusive households hear that one?
Why doesn't she just leave?
Yeah, why doesn't she?
I will tell you the reasons.
One: Finances. Often the issue comes down to finances. Many women have made it their life work to raise their children and stay at home with them. This often puts them at an economic disadvantage when they make the decision - when they know - this is not the person for me I need to leave for myself and for my children. And the system out there offers NOTHING truly helpful or useful along those lines. You may get up to $1500 in a one-time grant to get you out and into a new place. You may be allowed to stay for a few weeks in a shelter (which can be traumatizing in and of itself - a strange place - with strangers - who have total control over how long you stay there - denying the absolutely necessary NEED such women have which is a safe space in which to stay as long as she NEEDS - her terms).
And after all of that - then what? Seriously - then what should she do oh wise one who wants to know "why don't you just leave?"
Then there's the concept of trauma which is often complex after living under such conditions. That leaves the woman in need of healing - just like someone diagnosed with cancer needs to take time to focus on healing and getting well before being a "normal functioning" human again - surrounded by people who know how to treat the disease. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE (other than the issue needing healed is different).
The typical scenario is leave, go to a shelter, stay for a while, then get a job (or another job if she already has one) - do whatever it takes to stay out of the original living situation even if it kills you or exhausts you so much you collapse. Many women return to the households because of all of this (and more).
There's also something called trauma-bond - which is essentially an addiction she has to break. When you are traumatized, the body releases certain chemicals - peptides - which is also what is released when one is addicted. It is an insidious cycle and one the woman needs to break. WHERE in this system of ours is a place and treatment to TRULY help these women? We offer more help to convicts and alcoholics than we do to women coming out of domestic violence situations.
So again - why doesn't she just leave?
Perhaps the question should be: Why aren't more people DOING anything truly helpful for these women? The time to do just that is NOW.
Here's how you can help if you know someone like this: Ask her what she needs. Then LISTEN. Please do not pretend to understand what she is going through - because you don't. Just listen to her - hold space - and if there is something you can do that she has said she needs - please - do it. You may be the first and only such person to offer her that kind of support.
That is all for now. You can help ME leave my situation by supporting my work here and my fundraiser - and sharing the ever-loving heaven out of both. Thank you.
M.E.