I came to the conclusion this past year that I have never - not once - had a "normal" conversation with him - as in a conversation where I felt heard - where there was not a judgment tossed my way - where there was not constant interruption - where he doesn't resort to calling me a "bitch" or whatever name he chooses - because I may not always 100% of the time be as interested in a topic as he is atm or when I'm busy with my daughter or the house - and where there was not one. time. where he tries to "one up" me.
Which he did today.
All of the above.
Which is why I rarely engage in real conversations with him.
I showed him something I found interesting - and he wanted to see - so I showed him - to which he said in his loud, arrogant voice: "I can show you something even MORE relevant and mind-blowing than that".
"This isn't a competition. I was just sharing," I said.
"I'm not competing with you," he said, in that same arrogant, dismissive, loud voice. "I'm saying what "I" have to say is FAR more amazing than that."
Dismissing what I shared - plus holding the opinion that his new find was more interesting.
Who cares?
So, I shrugged it off and said "ok".
He shared the find.
It was indeed interesting. And I had a question, so I asked.
Not acceptable to him.
He said "go look it up and research yourself. You can't expect everyone to hand you things just because you asked. Don't be lazy."
I expect everything to be handed to me?
I'm lazy?
Know what I'm doing right now?
Laundry.
Cleaning the kitchen drains with lye.
Finding topics for my other website.
What is he doing?
Outside getting high. Spending time alone.
What are his plans for the rest of the evening?
Doing the same. Once inside he will retire to his recliner and watch youtube videos while I cook dinner, clean up, spend time with my girl and work on my other site.
What is still bizarre to me and completely creepy - probably because I'm absolutely nothing like him in this regard - is how he can go from being as he is above to coming back inside, amped up and excited, wanting to share something else. Manic, addict behavior. It. Is. Creepy.
The other night, after he was particularly ugly towards me, I recorded him and sent it to a couple of friends who were horrified, my female friend saying, "my god he is so scary!" And that was a mild episode. Let me tell you - the validation I felt was healing for my heart. It's one thing to talk about it with friends - it's another when they hear it with their own ears.
So, anyone wanting to hear the beast - let me know and I will pass it along. Who knows? I may just start dropping his toxic mouth here - live. That may be what I need to do to get the audience and support I need so I can take my girl and move us into our own space. You can help by sharing. Please. This mama is desperate.
Thank you.
M.E.