I saw the above today - posted by a man on facebook whom I follow - who clearly knows what it means to be a man and a provider. At least in the statement above.
This is a foreign concept to me - one I would LOVE to have - one I intuitively long for. Even though I have been paying half for much of our relationship - at times more - I've yet to have peace with him in this regard for his view has been 50/50 regardless of the income earned, regardless of what your role is. I remember when he made more than I did for a time, I was still expected to pay half and "earn my keep". And even though to this day I am paying half of the expenses, I still get criticized for not meeting his financial needs.
(Just to be clear - I have N E V E R met his needs.)
I knew this was wrong.
I've always known it.
Even my dad, with his own faults, I never heard him expect my mom to pay half of the bills. That was something my dad did. It was his roll. Even when my mom was working, he never pushed her TO work or to earn more money.
Now, in terms of the title of this piece, which rather ties into the money stuff in terms of contributing, earlier he asked me a question as far as what I had done today, questioning me as to why I hadn't done a particular task, to which I said I would do it later - I had been busy all day - which at that moment was me filling out paperwork for a local program that I needed to get off in the mail. As these types of people often do, he said "well I've been busy too" - busy as in running around wasting gas to look for his toy hobby collection, then putting together a box for some channel he follows and proceeds to spend about $15 shipping it. And later, he gripes how he is almost broke.
🙄😠
I'm still wondering how I let myself get tangled in this toxic weave - in spite of learning otherwise. My body is screaming for freedom - praying - visualizing - intending - COMMANDING - feeeeeeeeeeeeling into that one point where I am free of him - where I can wake up and not have to feel my stomach clench or hear him slam doors and wash dishes loudly or question me endlessly and toss out his accusations about all of my faults, and the truth of that last one is my main fault - the biggest one - is selecting him. That one moment where my beautiful girl and I will. be. free. of. him and will live in peace.
And then perhaps one day I will know what it's like to live with a man - a real man - who among other things will follow the words above.
And THIS:
Thank you for reading.
M.E.