This happens with trauma.
I wondered why I was feeling the way I was today and had to ask myself, "was he horrible yesterday?"
I had to come here and see what I had written to confirm what my body was telling me but what my mind had blocked out.
Yet again.
I then remembered last night's sleep and the anger I felt when I woke up a couple of times - needing to release the energy.
And today he's in a good space - being helpful, kind, thoughtful, etc.
Which is how "they" trick you.
Evil does that.
Comes disguised as something pretty and shiny but once you're in, the knives come out.
When I first read narcissistic abuse is insidious - I came to realize that is the PERFECT term to use.
Because it is insidious.
Manipulative.
Twisted.
S I C K.
So, I have to remind myself that even "he" has a good day here and there.
Just like sometimes a fart is benign smelling.
But the rest of the time?
THEY F'ING STINK.
And I cannot allow myself and will not allow myself to E V E R be sucked back in to that reality.
So, he can be as "nice" as he wants today.
I don't buy it.
I don't believe it.
I don't trust it.
While I command respect in my daily affirmations, I'm also not allowing myself to expect "him" to change. I spent over 20 years praying and intending for that. At this point, to continue with that only sets myself up for the kind of confusion I felt earlier. To fall back into that trap. And my focus is freedom from that trap.
That is all for now.
M.E.