I saw the statement below recently in a group I belong to. It really jumped out at me. It upset me and yet also helped me take that next step in allowing myself to see how much control I have been under. And often times that control is both coercive and subtle.
I know what this woman is going through. I used to love to wear red. It is one color others told me looks good on me. I remember the first time my high school friend's mother, who never had commented on my clothing attire, told me one evening as we were headed out the door, I in my white and red windbreaker, "You know, red really looks good on you." Not used to compliments, much less hearing them from adults, the teenager in me was both humbled and embarrassed at the same time. I shared a small smile and a quiet, "Oh, thanks!"
It was one of those moments that stayed with me.
That love of wearing red stayed with me until I met the narc. He made it clear early on he did not like the color - said it reminded him of blood - said it reminded him of some bad incidents in childhood. While he never said, "you can't wear red", when I would wear it, he would make some comment such as "do you have to wear that color" or a sigh followed by "I don't like that color". He said it enough that I finally decided to stop wearing red. Sometimes I would look at the few red shirts I had in my closet and reaching in to take it off the hanger, I would hesitate and hear his voice in my mind, feel those effects in my body in the way of a tightening tummy (fear). Easier not to take a chance, so I would put it back.
Sigh. How often I have done that? Way. too. dayem. often.
Did he ever say something decent and human-oriented such as "even though the color red brings up unpleasant memories, it is a beautiful color on you." The best part would have then been to say "and you know what? I am going to use this as a chance to heal that pain in me so I can fully enjoy seeing you in that color." Men say the way to their hearts is a home-cooked meal. For me? It's considerate kindness.
Anyway, did he ever say something like this?
Nope. Nevah. It was only a pipe dream. As my counselor said just this week: Narcissists will never. see. their. errors (when they are ongoing). The rest of the world can view it through your eyes, but the narc? Never will. So don't engage.
So I don't. Part of breaking the cycle.
And if you're me, start wearing red again.
Which I decided to do a few weeks ago.
Going through my closet, I pulled out a red knit shirt with a celtic cross on it. I secretly kept it, even though I hadn't worn it in years. I always liked it, and something always nudged me to keep it.
So, I put it on, tied it in a cute little knot on the side and admired myself in the mirror.
Yes, red definitely is my color, I thought, before adding, ala Billy Crystal style, "And btw, you look MAHVALOUS, darling."
Because I did.
🥰💖
M.E.
