It's very common for those who have dealt with abuse and have lingering trauma to avoid feeling that pain.
It is particularly common for those who have experienced psychological and narcissistic abuse. Those types of abuse seem to leave deeper scars. Ugly words are left behind from the abuser.
Words of shame.
Words that say "it's all your fault" and "you are the problem."
Words that say "you don't matter".
Words that say "you are not worthy".
The words are endless.
Sometimes the pain feels endless too.
We are told "the way out is in".
In this case, it's allowing ourselves the compassion to feel however and whatever it is we are guided TO feel.
And yet for some, certainly myself, diving in and allowing that experience of feeling is sometimes difficult.
Difficult in that for many of us, most of us, we were told our feelings were "wrong".
Our interpretation of events "wrong".
We deserved the abuse.
We were the cause OF it.
And any emotion we expressed was just "too much".
This makes showing up for ourselves and holding space for our emotional pain difficult.
Difficult especially when I feel pinned up against a wall, which is what I have been experiencing more and more of this past year.
The need to give my daughter what she needs.
And wants.
This is just not happening in the way I would like.
The guilt cuts deep into my Soul.
The shame.
The embarrassment.
The words "you are a bad mother" threaten to totally consume me some days.
Logically I know I am an injured person and like any injury, sometimes fixing that injury can be a process, especially if the one (or most recent one/main character) who caused it is still a presence in your life, big OR small.
Logically I know I am not a bad mother.
Logically I know I am worthy.
Intelligent.
Capable.
But man, that heaviness within threatens to bring me down. All the way down.
Combined with the financial pressure of epic proportions I am under, having to go into debt every month just to provide for the basics here, the entity absolutely failing in that regard (he can at least fucking TRY to get some sort of work to chip in more), plus the pressure to HURRY up finish your program and find a job and move YESTERDAY...it is consuming me. A program I am struggling to understand. And remember/memorize - something that was never my thing to begin with. The terms to remember. 😳
In desperation, I reached out to AI last night and asked for some help with basic templates of what goes into the process I am studying. Simple language. Not this god awful word salad of complicated terms (when EZ would do) I have run into. And a printed out sheet of words to know. I had to sit back and shake my head, do a mix of laugh/cry when I read the words in front of my screen: incredibly text-heavy and requires intense analytical focus, making it one of the hardest subjects to tackle while dealing with brain injury recovery and cognitive fatigue.
Yeah, learning that one after-the-fact.
Why oh why can't I just find work doing my fun writings and essays? My storytelling. Work for a newspaper or something. Essayist. Columnist. I've tried - for years I've applied, marketed myself. NADA.
Moving on and returning back to my topic.
Running from my feelings.
These days I don't know how TO face them.
I feel if I dive in I will get lost in them.
The depth will consume me.
And I fear I will end up right back where I have been:
I feel incapable of solving the problems creating them.
And until I do, I wake up shaking - sometimes violently - every. single. morning. On the "good" mornings, it's just waking up with a startle, then breathing my way into a doable space of calm.
TBH, I cannot remember the last morning I woke up feeling calm, without the shaking. Makes me hate to go to bed as much as I hate to wake up.
It's like I have the WILL TO face how I feel.
But those feeeeeeeeeeels are so fucking big right now - and as I said - the problems bringing them up unsolvable right now - barring a miracle or two - I am eating my feelings away lately as though I haven't eaten in days. Even my daughter has said "I have never seen anyone be so skinny and eat so much." 😂😩
Thank God for a good metabolism and genetics.
Model good behavior, I tell myself, getting myself lost again in the "you are a bad mother".
While I watch him sit on his ass and stuff his mouth with potato chips, completely indifferent to seeing me struggle.
Completely uninterested in what I am studying.
Tossing out responses like "well if that's what you choose to do" when I told him I was taking a break from studying to help our daughter pick out some school supplies and research new schools.
Choose to do. 😡
Logically I know he's the loser.
The worthless piece of shit.
The totally failing parent who is neglecting his basic duties of SUPPORTING HIS CHILD to the best of his means.
Sometimes that logic speaks louder than the pain within that carries the dark words.
Sometimes it doesn't.
And tbh, these days, sometimes, I don't know which one is going to win.
M.E.
You with the compassionate heart - if you wish to see me heal and liberate myself and my daughter from this situation - please show that compassion by buying me a coffee. And share my work and my story with your friends. I need a TRIBE around me to help me get out asap.
You are welcome to join my Telegram group: https://t.me/+p7NwgVUz8gxjNjY5
Here is my fundraiser:
https://www.gofundme.com/f/mom-start-over-new?attribution_id=sl:e41ebf4f-5504-418f-88d0-9971ffac57ff
SURVIVORS NEED:
*JUSTICE. PROSECUTION. ABUSERS HELD CRIMINALLY LIABLE.
*SAFE LONG-TERM AFFORDABLE HOUSING.
*TO BE HEARD AND SEEN FROM WHERE WE ARE NOW. ASK US WHAT WE NEED. WE WILL TELL YOU.
*THE TIME AND SPACE TO HEAL PROPERLY WITH THE HELP OF HEALERS TRAINED IN THIS KIND OF ABUSE AND THE HARM IT LEAVES.
*EMPLOYMENT WE CAN ACTUALLY DO AND EMPLOYERS WHO SEE US WHERE WE ARE AND WHO WE ARE. WE ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE WITH A DISABILITY WHO NEEDS SPECIAL ACCOMMODATIONS.