These words are so powerfully true and hit me hard today (which is what I needed)...
I'm in the kitchen making waffles. I could buy frozen and save myself time, but I prefer to bake from scratch for health and to save my pennies. I was juggling doing this while writing up an article for my other site and in between working with my daughter on a science project. Apparently, according to the entity, I was "in the way" - being told "I live here too". I said I was making waffles and working with our girl in the kitchen, so it was a bit crowded.
Now could I have handed over both projects to him? Why yes, yes I could - but I've seen how he makes waffles - he thinks you just throw in flour, water and other things and wala - magic happens. I've only seen him follow TWO recipes in the 20 plus years I've known him - and that was within the first 2 years of our whatever it is we have had.
And I could have had him take over the science project - but again - seen him step in to help and I swear to you all it's like he messes up on purpose so he can laugh in that fake embarrassed way while breathing a sigh of relief that again HE DOES NOT HAVE TO DO SOMETHING RESPONSIBLE around here. Just like when our girl was a baby, I got to do all of the difficult things like getting up throughout the night to feed AND change the diapers and take care of her when she was sick and make her meals, plan activities, take her to the park and playdates. Not that I didn't mind doing those things - what I DID mind was having his lazy ass griping about how I was interrupting his sleep, how I was "babying" her for staying up with her at night when she was sick and the plethora of other insults and false accusations he tossed my way - all in an effort to make himself be as UNBOTHERED as possible by this parenting thing. Add in the fact that this entity was not WORKING and you can perhaps understand why I am now a ticking time bomb waiting to explode all over him.
He claims I am too controlling and like to do things my way, which in a way is true, however I like them done CORRECTLY (like following a recipe so I don't have to clean up after him which has happened) and THOUGHTFULLY (like making sure our girl is getting the care she needs when she was sick - and after seeing him trying to force her to eat a grilled cheese sandwich just minutes after she had thrown up from a stomach virus - me thinking "who the hell raised you?!" while intervening telling him she needed to rest her tummy - END OF STORY - he really thought she would die if she went more than a day without eating 🙄 - didn't matter what I said - it never. mattered. how many times our girl was sick when she was little - he went through the same insane routine of criticizing me for how I nursed her back to health and how she NEEDED to eat - thank god THOSE days are over - the anxiety I went through back then during those times - tummy clenched the moment I realized she was sick and what I was going to have to deal with from him - instead I should have had the support to be the MOM and he should have been off at work bringing in the money and asking if he could bring home something for her and for his wife.) ....
So yes - I do tend to barge in and run this ship - out of necessity.
I had a nice convo with my brother-in-law today, who offers me so much understanding and support as well as disgust towards his brothers' behavior. I released a lot of tears and grief today, telling him how much I've gone without. "I'm sure you have," he said which was so validating. I kinda need that these days - validation - given how long I excused away his behavior and the many times I've had people say "just leave" without offering me any help much less understanding the logistics of doing that plus the dynamics of this kind of abuse and what it does to you.
Today I was thinking how I need glasses. My insurance doesn't cover this. My local eye doc only charges $99 but the cost of glasses is something I simply can't afford. So, I lamented to my brother-in-law if I had a REAL husband who was a REAL man with a REAL job and insurance, this would not be an issue. He agreed - called him a lazy bastard. And even if he didn't have all that, a REAL man would look at his wife, in need of glasses and DO something to ensure she was provided for in this way. He has the insurance coverage and recently got a nice new pair of glasses.
But his wife is going without. And this parasite can sleep just fine knowing this.
Instead - I now know it - I am NOTHING to him. I am not a person. He does not see my Soul. He does not care about my well-being. His love is as fake as is his outwardly care for me he will show to the world - and it is all F A K E. And this is PRECISELY how my own father is towards me and always was.
Which clearly shows me why I developed an attitude of distrust towards men in general along with a personal inner hatred. But I began to tell myself these emotional states are only held towards a small handful of men. Today, I see and feel different. There are good men - I know some.
No - not men - I need to stop referring to people like him with that label. They are parasites. Unevolved parasites who only seek to serve themselves, give the facade of being the great man to the world, while their wives and daughters "behave" out of fear of not being believed, of feeling powerless to DO something and acknowledging that inner knowing that says this is a man's world. Patriarch. Women in it just join the club to succeed.
Which again wouldn't be as bad if I had chosen better. But you know the saying - see different, do different.
Today, I AM doing different.
That is all for now. To our healing.
To our freedom.
M.E.