Holidaze = how you are often left feeling during the holidays - in a daze - if you live with a narcissist.
I can remember previous holidays with him. The tension I would feel. Is he going to act up? Is he even going to allow us to celebrate? I recall one Christmas, he refused to get a tree, so my daughter and I used the little mini tree she had in her room, put it up on a stool in the living room and placed gifts beneath it. There have been far too many Christmas' where he had raged in the garage, trying to find the decorations, throwing boxes around, yelling, swearing, saying he was "done" and was "never going to do this again!"
Unlike years past, I am a different person now. And while I had hoped to have found our new home by now, I was determined that this year he was absolutely not going to ruin another holiday. Not on my watch. That didn't stop him from trying though.
It began with his challenge to find the shirt he wanted to wear. I eventually stopped what I was doing and helped him. It wasn't anywhere in the closet or in his drawers. It was as though it had vanished - into another timeline perhaps. I wanted to say "Maybe it's in your new apartment. Why don't you go try to find it there?"
It's interesting because it's a shirt I bought him. And because of this, because it is one of his favorites, he began accusing me of first hiding it.
Then he said I burned it.
Then he claimed I burned it AND cut it up.
For some reason this made me laugh a bit - giggle - at how ridiculous he sounded. While I wanted so much to say "don't give me any ideas" I simply asserted I would never do something like that and that I had no idea where it was. Perhaps wear another shirt, I suggested.
He proceeded to rant about this for the next hour, which then turned into him ranting about me doing another load of laundry. "We just did 3 loads yesterday!" he ranted.
"Yes, we did. And I need to do a load of towels," I said. Thanksgiving meal and baking. You go through a lot of towels. Duh.
He heard none of that. Instead, he started on his usual listing of "everything I've done for you the last 24 hours". Fixed he bathroom door (he helped me with that - I started it - he finished it with the power tool).
Laundry. (I helped him with that too.)
Now mind you, I thanked him for his help.
But with him - with these types - one thank you isn't enough. You best be prepared to thank them over and over and over again.
That is unless you have been finding your power, finding your voice and instead of going into the old program of fear, you stand in your Power and tell him: "If this is how you're going to be, you need to leave. Now. You are not going to ruin another holiday."
He tried fighting back, but I stood my ground, silently, pointing towards the door. I wasn't f'ing around and he knew it.
And he obeyed, albeit it ranting as he left.
After that?
He was quiet and well behaved.
I could find humor in that (and ok, maybe I do a wee bit), but the truth is this is absolutely not how I want to be. This is absolutely NOT the kind of a relationship I want - with ANYONE. It's exhausting. But I am seeing that the only way for peace, with him, when going gray rock doesn't work (and btw - it often doesn't), is to stand firm in my power and state my intention and hold that energetic space until there is a shift in his behavior.
I shift and hold it.
He shifts.
It isn't permanent of course, because he will do this again, but this year I made a promise to my daughter: "I will not let dad ruin another holiday."
Never. Again.
And I didn't.
How was your holiday today? Let me know by leaving a comment.
💖🙏
M.E.
"𝓝𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓵𝓮𝓽 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓯𝓪𝓶𝓲𝓵𝓲𝓪𝓻𝓲𝓽𝔂 𝓸𝓯 𝓲𝓽 𝓫𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓭 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓽𝓸 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓽𝔂 𝓸𝓯 𝓲𝓽."
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