There are certain rolls each gender is inherently good at. As women we are intuitively nurturing and tend to be the caretakers, the homemakers. Men are inherently, intuitively the protectors, the providers.
Not that those rolls can blur at times, but overall, men are created to be the protectors and providers.
And I have seen how I have not had that. My dad provided in his own way, certainly better than the male who lives in this house, but he still let unhealed things get in the way which ended up with him making it a priority to have a new house, new car, nice furniture and vacations at the expense of clothing for me and enough food in the house. Protective nature? Perhaps when it suited him, or it was something he agreed I was certainly in need of having that dad support. But given it was few and far between and when on the rare occasion he showed up and it surprised me, my body learned not to trust it. I also developed the belief I was invisible and not worthy of being protected. So, I learned, slowly, to build up my own defense system.
I've said for a while to a few people how I have this need to have someone stand up to the man in this house for how he talks to me - get in his face - make it clear you are not to talk to her that way (and your daughter as well). I recently shared a recording of one of his verbal assaults he was putting on me and played it for my dad. The young girl in me made herself loud - I could actually hear her saying "please daddy - make him stop - beat him up! Do something! Protect me!" Instead, my dad shrugged and said "he's sick - he's crazy - get out" - but offered me no help doing so. I tried to talk about it further - started to cry - and he told me to calm down and think positively, blowing it off - silencing me -as though I was undergoing something minor like having to put tires on my car.
I don't know why his response (lack thereof) surprised me and hurt the way it did - I know this man. This is the same man who, when he learned we were being forced out of our home 13 years ago from another family member, emailed me saying "don't ask to stay here at my home - there is no room". One, I didn't ask him (I would never consider it given who he is) and two, a 4 bedroom, 2.5 bath home has ample room for his own daughter, granddaughter and the son in law.
I see similar behavior play out here at home with the male in the house. He recently stepped up in defense of our daughter - at my insistence. I was ready to do the same - I've learned to be the dad at times for her - but decided "this is something the dad needs to do". I worded it in a way as so he wouldn't take offense - ridiculous I have to do this but I do what I have to do - and at first he resisted. By the time he agreed, he was agitated and demanded information from me in his loud, intimidating voice, my hand shaking handing it over. Calls were made and things got cleared up. Any sort of protective roll he provided was immediately ruined when he demanded a thank you from not only me but from our daughter. Unbelievable. Something a "normal" dad would do without question and without expectation is just not on his radar. I had hopes, but like I keep reminding myself over and over again - especially when I am overly tired and it's more challenging for me to be in my power - he will never change. This is who he is - and likely always has been. There are strings attached to everything offered up. Expectations of thanks for oh so close to literally everything.
The guilt I feel over my ability to "pick 'em" is immense at times, but I try not to let it get me too down for that doesn't serve me a purpose other than drown me in heavy emotion - and I have enough of that already. But I do see it all clearly now - who I am in it and why I have chosen the males I have.
And yet it also brings up this empty feeling and this longing to feel like the man in my life truly has my back - shows up - without demanding accolades, without judgment. He's just there. For me. For my girl.
One day, yes. But now, I show up for myself and am very selective in who enters and stays in my circle. My boundaries are getting very solid now and I am trusting myself to assert them.
That is all for now.
M.E.