First, an update. Training is over. Resume redone. Finalizing a couple of things as I start to look for new forms of work. As always, this is about money, and I am still in need of that and support to finalize my journey and get us out of here.
For today's threat:
He grows pot. He's been an addict for decades. Claims he uses it for pain - which it is effective for - but that doesn't explain the decades of prior use - regular use - before his health issues began to appear.
Harvest season is stinky. The plant is VERY strong after it's cut down. And I've always just put up with it. For years, he's laughed at me, even mocked me when I've coughed or made a comment about how strong it is. Today, he included a threat.
As I sat in the other room, the smell was so overwhelming that I began to cough. That reaction was not allowed in his mind. First, he smirked. Then he laughed. Then he told me, all amped up and getting louder, that I was "ridiculous" for "having a conniption fit".
I told him not to laugh at me or talk to me that way. And coughing was not having a "conniption" fit.
Immediately, he said he was not laughing or smiling and did not use that term.
He sure as hell did.
But he cannot see himself, so I didn't push it beyond the one comment (which I said as I walked around spraying my peppermint room spray to diffuse the smell while turning on the vent fan).
He couldn't stop, though.
Suddenly I'm the problem.
I'm the one who ruined the relationship.
And then came the threat.
I'm "about to find out - in spades".
Just documenting.
Why men think they can treat women this way....
Look at what is coming out at Cornell.
As a woman, I've never felt safe in the presence of a male.
I'm always waiting for the attack.
Why?
Simple.
I've never had a man have my back.
Not once.
Sure, emotional support perhaps here and there, but where it counts?
Where it lands in my body, and my body relaxes for the first fucking time in my life and says "YES" as the tears come that tell the story of that long-held need: FINALLY a man in my life truly sees me and has my back.
Someone who has seen him talk to me the way he does...
Someone who KNOWS how he talks to me...
And who has not approached him and told him something like, "YOU DO NOT TALK TO HER THAT WAY, OR YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME".
I think staying single and alone is going to be my life once I'm out.
Because for me, I need to see someone other than a woman stand up to him.
Call him out.
But I am not seeing that.
On the Cornell case alone, most men are quiet.
It's the women speaking up.
Sharing their stories.
And many of them are getting attacked BY other men.
Because god forbid, a woman shows emotion.
I was told long ago that I am "emotionally fluid".
That term stuck - and stung at the same time.
That was a bad thing?
I heard varying thoughts.
"But I'm female. I'm human."
"That's not a good thing to have. It makes me weak."
"It makes me powerless. Beneath men."
Today I'm older.
And my "give a FU" about the opinions of other men towards me has been put into a permanent time-out.
Does this apply to all men?
Unless I know you and you have shown yourself to be trustworthy and safe, yes.
That's how it is for women here.
And if someone has an issue with that?
You are the problem.
So go on - call me an angry woman.
Because I am angry.
But that is just one of many emotions I feel these days.
I also feel hopeful.
Peace.
Happy.
Sad.
Those are allowed and acceptable.
The anger one, unfortunately, is still not deemed acceptable by the patriarch.
To which I said, "STFU and go watch some wrestling, you hypocrite".
💖
M.E.