The last few days have been tough. My imposter syndrome has been pounding at the door as more and more strangers have made my imperfections and inexperience in things known and not always kindly. So I did a thing you should probably never do. I made a list of all things friends, family, partners, coworkers, teachers, and pretty much anyone who has known me IRL has made me hate about myself. Some of these started so long ago, I don't know of a time they weren't criticized. Others have been far more recent. As a whole, I've learned to overcome these and love me for me, but there are plenty of times their voices float into my mind like ghosts, forever haunting me.
Things I've been made to hate about myself over the years thanks to others:
• weight
• sound of my voice
• language/cadence of speech
• accent
• height
• eyes
• nose
• lips
• teeth
• smile
• scars on my face
• wrinkles
• expressions
• hair color
• hair style
• eyebrows
• breasts
• stomach
• curves
• butt
• cellulite
• hands
• body hair choices
• tattoos
• softness/roughness of skin
• skin color (specifically how pale I am and my lack of ability to tan anymore)
• birth marks
• surgery scars
• health/chronic conditions
• feet
• makeup choices
• clothing choices
• personality
• unladylike humor and language
• sense of humor in general
• reading habits
• exercise options
• hobbies
• food choices
• sleeping habits
• sexual history, preferences, wants, and needs
• games I like
• movies I like
• books I like
• career choices
• home decorating choices
• pet choices
• friend/partner choices
• writing
• nervousness
• anxiety
• depression
• introverted shyness
• family background
• financial status and background
• intelligence
I'm sure I'm missing a bunch because eventually, when you have been made to hate everything about yourself, you stop keeping track of what others pull apart in hopes of finding peace within.
Now, this isn't to say I don't love myself, I do. I love every bit of me. But it hasn't been allowed to come easy or naturally, it's taken years of daily self-love, work, and growth.
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