"Goodbye."
A phrase I already uttered in my heart, mind, and soul. A phrase I can't simply take back because you decided it wasn't time to part. Instead, you have regrets. You want your goodbye. You want your one last time.
Your regrets are not my problem. They are yours and yours alone. I made my peace with you and the entire situation months ago. I still feel the pain I felt that night when I cried my goodbyes. But just because I had tears in my eyes doesn't mean I was wishing for more time. I found my peace with what should have been the end. As an adult, I never had the loving relationship you crafted in your mind. The child me? Sure, plenty of happy holidays while I still wore all pink and didn't have an opinion. But as an adult, I couldn't make a single choice that was right in your eyes.
Remember the Christmas you ruined? I do. I worked really hard the day before, making food for his family and mine. I even invited friends. Collected dishes for months so I would have plenty that matched. You sat outside the whole time, cold and alone, because they weren't "family," even though they were mine. Christmas Day, you yelled at me, called me names, staring down at me as I sat in a kitchen chair, wondering why no one came to my defense. Do you ever think about how that was the day I stopped coming around on my own? I do. I think about it every time I am forced to spend time with someone so full of hate, they lost the love of a family member with just a few words.
And now you cry to see me. Beg others to ask for me to come to you, one last time. Do you know who I wish I got to see one last time? The one who always protected me from everyone else. The one I lost way too soon. The one I didn't get to say goodbye to. The one whose picture never leaves my home and always watches over me still. The one whose grave I have sobbed over, flown hours and hours just to talk to bones. I would give anything to see him again. Because for every drop of hate filling your body, he had a gallon of pure, unconditional love.
I'll give you your "one last time," but know it's not for you and it's not for me; it's for them, the ones who will only see my defiance, not my reasons. And only because I will still have to live with them long after your soul is turned to ash and I have forgotten your name.