I. The Weight
Friend,
this may or may not be a simple humble offering to you, but it landed like a major show of support for me, and I did everything in my power to steward my fortunes wisely and use these gifts properly.
Beratna, you will never understand the weight of your actions through the decisions to support me in these most challenging times of my life, where I have found only silence or turned collars elsewhere.
I was cold and damp, and then reminded that there are times where the kindness of strangers extends beyond what we thought imaginable for us to receive, and I am thankful beyond my ability to properly convey with words, truly.
but I am a writer, so I will give you my most heartfelt attempt here;
II. Set Apart From The Masses
You have read my works and worked yourself to attempt to understand my mind; this is more than any other person on the planet has done for me, and I am literally without words to express how this makes me feel.
I AM worthy, I DO have value, I am cared for and thought about, no matter how small or to what degree, there is a person who sometimes has me on their mind and now I have all the more reason to endure, I will
I'm talking in circles but this is me and my reaction: ten thousand thank yous and ten million more on top for believing in me when no one else does, and showing that belief through your supporting my efforts.
I am so blessed!
III. Baht, Beers, Broken Habits
From the funds that have been donated to me to current, I have purchased a small number of necessary items, a few well deserved meals, I think, and been able to work through some personal matters that will impact the rest of my life.
It really is "that serious"
The budget was tight when I landed after The Crossing, but I had a solid plan to keep me well within my margins. I don't eat much and had incredibly little desire to do more than sleep and get my mind right after so long fighting for basic survival.
Flying here with just my main Travel Backpack and my "Bad Business Bag" holding my laptop and assorted tech gear, I decided it'd be best to go free of checked luggage in the event I collected items while here, and that decision has paid off significantly. There were several missed and adjusted flights between North Carolina and Thailand, and it felt good to not have to worry about if my Travel Pelican survived the transfers and made it to my destination.
I could have, in theory, lost all of my tech and some additional favored personal items in a single movement... as a person running a blog, several newsletters, a personal online wiki for my works, and a spread of YouTube channels, this would have literally crippled me
Instead of this, while it was not necessarily preferable to literally lose a few pounds in sweat while bearing the extra weight on my person, all of my shit stayed with me, traveled with me, landed with me, and it's all in this hotel room with me right now rather than lost in the system, stolen, damaged, or otherwise.
Your patronage bought me a luggage case that I can use from this staging point onward. It's larger than my Travel Pelican, still holds my laptop bag securely for short distance walking on top with the pull handle, and with the new packing options now available to me, I can keep all of my gear on my person when the time comes for the next movement while putting all of my clothing and "lighter value" items in the case.
Worst case, should I lose this luggage case in the future, I'll have the clothes on my back, the change in my bag, and will be out of maybe $50 in only replacing shirts, socks, undies, pants, and shoes rather than several grand replacing a laptop, mic, camera, cables, screens....
After I lost everything I owned in moving to Chicago, I'm a little traumatized when it comes to keeping a secure hold over the items in my possession while I'm on this planet. Can't take it with me when I die, but I sure as hell can't do much without it while I'm still here, so it's invaluable to have options that allow me to know that my affects are safe, under my control, and within my reach at all times.
The money allowed me a slightly wider range of hotel options, which got me slightly larger beds and slightly better breakfast. As a disabled (re)Tired Veteran, this too was invaluable. I'm 31 going on 70, and the noises my body makes after a night of bad rest proves it, no matter how smoothly I appear to walk with Bobert.
I've been sleeping butt booty nekkid under the AC and waking in the mornings feeling refreshed and on Prime before heading downstairs for brekkie and my morning walk. My bones, and general temperament give thanks for Dwayne
I was able to use Grab (Asian Uber) a little more liberally while moving from place to place on my exploration circuit around the hotspots. While bouncing from mall to market and making stops for beers and joints in-between, I discovered that I really am over drinking for the most part.
I do, however, want to experience an espresso martini on a rooftop bar at sunset, but besides that, I don't have any desire to get drunk and indulge in everything I already thoroughly enjoyed while in Japan and Korea.
I am thankful beyond words to officially be able to say that in the very underbelly of the world's nightlife, I have no desire to get drunk, but only to write. I'm here for a short while, but I have the freedom now to return at a later time for a more detailed stay in the future, and for this I am also thankful.
I'm not proud of the time I spent drifting as an alcoholic, but I thank God that I am that no longer. I did not have "confirm that you're over your addictions" in the budget and was going to just keep myself occupied. You allowed me to taste my vices in the open, and determine for myself that I no longer desire their pull, for they have none. Again, I have no words to convey how much it means to be, but imagine the weight removed from me, knowing that I took $20 and proved that I will never spend over $2,000 in alcohol over the course of a month ever again (Japan was insane) because I drink for incredibly special occasion only now.
IV. Imperial Coffers
Now, I have paid my necessary bills for the month and have secured lodging until tomorrow morning, after deciding yesterday to skip the flight to Vietnam and just remain in place here for a while longer.
I have about $2600, which is actually only a bit under than twice what I had when I landed, so the focus from here is to check my account every few hours to remind myself that everything is ok, I actually pulled it off, I am safe, I can create stability, and I will create stability so long as I remain faithful to my ambitions behind the scenes.
You helped with that. When I look at the raw numbers, $400 is literally half of my monthly expenses.
You've literally subsidized half a month of my entire lifestyle. I did not weep, but I did not, not, shed tears either.
V. The Path To Progress
All I have is gratitude for this experience, to have suffered and eventually succeed at clawing my way up from the pits beneath hell to my current station.
All I can say is thank you, and swear to you that I will not quit.
Paying it forward is using the money to continue to better stabilize myself, that I may teach others how to fight the fuckery and steal Triumph from upon the sands.
The horrors that come forth from this, Darkness of The Day, which floods these worlds in Chaos that we may fall to The Somnus and be subjugated by Apathy, oh, these challenges may be strange and unrelenting, but so are we
The Darkness has no power here, for I have discovered the kindness and support of strangers, and I cherish them as they cherish me.
Sequere Me, Lector Carissime, and I will show you my path to progress as I build this route from ruin.
I will create and be light amidst this darkness. I shall travel through the challenges and hardships of my life, to beyond the very stars of my ambitions. I Am Legion, Witness Me, for after death comes freedom
Lux Ex Tenebris
Per Aspera Ad Astra
Legio Sum
Ante Mortem, Libertas
Creator Captain TheIsaacLester w/ Quartermaster Cane Lord Commander Bobert L'Unbending