Unfortunately, I still measure my success by how productive I was that day. If you've been following along this week, you'll know that this week had a very rocky start. It wasn't until today, Thursday, when everything started to feel and look normal and by normal I mean I was back to my productive, busy self. Everything that I had on my checklist to complete was done, except one thing. Everyone has been encouraging me to rest and assuring me that my productivity does not equal success but its hard when you're a type one with an inner critic reminding you about the ten tasks you have still left undone. Even now, I'm thinking of how I could have actually done more if I woke up earlier and didn't take any breaks. I forget that I'm human sometimes. I overpromise myself to people but make it a point to not underdeliver. This may seem like a tangent but I notice that when I'm on top of my game, I'm not actually living up to my goal of being more Christ-like. I get judgmental and resentful of all the people who dropped the ball on me throughout my life as I look at the ways that I have managed to stay committed to almost everything that I promise. Its hard to break out of these cycles so sometimes, I choose to be lazy. I choose to binge TV all day. I choose not to do all the things and allow myself to just be because when I'm really living up to my type one, it brings out the worst in me and I haven't found a way to live in it in a healthy way. Every day a new opportunity knocks at my door and instead of looking at my plate and saying no, I say yes and the cycle continues.
Anyways, I say all of this to say that I still measure success by productivity. This just goes to the show that the Enneagram cannot save you. It cannot fix you. All of this is a conscious intentional choice that has to be made on a daily basis, much like sanctification. You never arrive. If you think you have, then you've only really begun. The journey is long and hard. For my type ones out there (or any types that like to journal) try adopting the practice of writing down some of the things you've learned from the day. Just writing this today almost brought me to tears because it helped me realize things that If I hadn't stopped working and striving to reflect, I would have missed it. I would have missed how my productivity is tied so strongly to my judgmental and resentful tendencies. I didn't realize that before. Try it. And if you're bold, share it with someone you love and trust.
NOTE: These posts will remain public until the end of May to give you a taste of what you'll get as a one time or monthly contributor. More to come as I settle in my new role as a full time content creator. FYI: If you're a member, the monthly zoom topic of this month will be Christianity and the Enneagram. We will be discussing and answering the question of whether or not Christians should even engage in it. This is scheduled for June 5th so if you join before then, you'll be able to join in on that conversation.