Suicidal ideation.
It's a loaded phrase, loaded by psychiatrists, psychologists, and the media.
People who not only consider, but actually plan, to end their lives are unbalanced, mentally ill. They need to be kept in a secure unit, medicated, put into therapy. They can't be trusted.
Suicidal thoughts mean a person is dangerous.
But what if that's not the case? What if being suicidal - without taking suicidal actions - can be helpful?
I suffer from chronic depression. I've taken prescription medication, I've pursued natural treatments, I exercise regularly, I make sure to include nuts, seeds, fresh fruit and vegetables in my diet. I spend time outside, I live with pets, and I have hobbies that don't rely on the presence or participation of others.
Nothing really helps. I've learned to grit my teeth and get on where I can, and to rest where I can't get on.
Yesterday, I experienced on of the spikes in depression that meant I wasn't able to get on, and resting was interrupted by the shattered feeling in my head, by almost physical pain, by the inability to think clearly. These feelings continued, at full intensity, for almost six hours. They didn't dissipate at that point, they simply dialed down to only slightly above my baseline levels of depression.
Last night, I dedicated time to planning my suicide.
I set a date - a point in the future, a defined date - and I outlined the preparation, three months' worth of it, the method, the place. Whether I'd leave a note or not. The arrangements for those I'd leave behind.
Then I went to sleep.
This morning, I woke feeling more refreshed than I have in a long time. I have virtually no feelings of depression.
That date is still the date.
If certain conditions are not met, if certain things have not changed, my life will end at the place and in the way I've already decided.
Planning my suicide helped my depression more than antidepressants have.
Planning my suicide helped my depression more than exercise.
Planning my suicide helped my depression more than herbs and supplements.
Planning my suicide helped my depression more than mindfulness.
Planning my suicide helped my depression more quickly and more fully than anything else I've ever tried.
Suicidal ideation can be a form of therapy.