Something came to me the other day. I no longer spend a lot of time questioning what is said. I am a person with a fully working body equipped with lot of different sensory organs that experience the world around and in front of me. I am also a person who picks up energy, tones, things beyond what is said that I detect with my logical mind and my sensory receptive organs. What I do spend a lot more of my time questioning is not what was said, but the distance between what was said and how a variety of things indicate where a person is in their agreement/commiment/belief/acceptance to what they just communicated. The GULF.
See this has been a relatively new thing I have begun to give a lot more attention to and focus on. There was a light switch moment, the spark of a situation that was really the initiation point to a cannon event leading to an explosion, repair, then separation that really did require me to make a change on this idea. It's not what someone says. They can belive it with their whole being. They can have all of the good intention behind it. But, I will pay attention to the gulf between what is said and everything else.
My sharp awareness has taken place within the last few months. But like any change there was a catalyst. The start of my personal change in this was when someone that I care about told me I looked them directly in the face and blatantly LIED to them.
What? What are you taking about? How did you come to that conclusion? I provided context, supporting information, and the plans constructed in order support the execution of this change. I reiterated to them that certain things were a struggle for me. I made sure that I did not commit to an absolute, as I know myself, and since the thing in question that I “lied” about was something I was challenged with, I was very clear that I was a work in progress, not an absolute. I informed of the plan, the steps I would take, but gave myself room because I know going all in would have resulted in instant failure. I know myself and the need to acclimate. Going in, I knew this change was one that required assimilation in a way that has consistently been historically unnatural for me and how I move throughout my life. Fully informed I was going in against my natural pace in pursuit of community. I had hoped In communicating about this challenge that I have, and the difficulties I have surrounding it, I wasn't sure of the level of weight it carried to this connection. Some environments are able to make room, some are not. Through much trial and error, I’ve learned that it is best for me to pursue engagement in the environments that can make room for my challenges to avoid abrupt disruption.
We had talked about it and I was actively working on finding a way to make changes that were measurable and sustainable, and ones that I could commit to. So when the falter happened and that was the response, it highlighted certain things I hadn't yet contemplated... Was making a change to my natural behavior coming from a desire to assimilate, from a desire to grow, or a combination of both? What was my true motivation? Was it her tone that was off putting, the language itself, or was it the combination of unspoken truths behind those words that I felt and due to the circumstances was going to be unable to get clarity on? Were her previous indirect comments actually not indirect? Where else was I misunderstanding what was being said? What are the ramifications for those missteps? Am I capable of staying in this connection? What kind of threat was that? What is she really saying?
Things I do know from my own lived experience is how important it is for me to reflect on the gulf between what is said and what my capacity is. Not just for others, but for myself. Where is my own gulf? That very particular moment had a profound impact as it served as an AH HA! I didn't know it then though. After taking time and space I've begun to ask myself a variety of things. Where were the spaces that my words were the only place I was witnessed? How do I feel in the relationships where what they say they want but what they notice and focus on don't align? Was I aware of how important the adherance to that commitment was when I initially agreed to share space with this person? What questions should I have asked? Where should I have been better at paying attention? What did I chose to focus on instead of listening, could I have missed this direction? How much tolerance do they have for when my imperfect human pops out, and is my imperfections in that window of tolerance? Time spent. Curiosity. Awareness. Risk. That's how those got answered after the fact.
Reflecting on that moment specifically I can see the gulf between. Not just the two people in that conversation, but individually, the gulf of what was being said in the moment and what each person brought with them in energy and desire. She rightfully addressed me, sharing her discomfort and displeasure in me not being able to meet the agreed upon change. She was disappointed. What I felt and could not articulate at the time was that this was no longer a mutual exchange. I didn't agree or submit to the hierarchy although there was one. She pulled rank, as was necessary for her to do so. So when she offered it back to me, for me to assimilate, & to get compliant, with the way she directed communication at me, it brought up so many more questions on my end that I'd not contemplated. It was about 7 months after that incident that I decided it was best we parted ways.
Something I've been reflective on in my own world is that Gulf. The gulf is where so much of the discomfort is, the emotions, the reaction, the chaos, the distortion, the difference between the ideal me and reality lived me...
The gulf, from what I can tell, was created by aspiration. I feel like if you didn't have control of it in your youth, before external responsibilities, you have to fight hard to be a steward of it in your adulthood. I been fighting for it. I'm tired. The gulf can be so very big for some. I used to be like this, where the representative that interacts with the world, the mask, is who everyone knows but no one knows. It is front and center. People pleasing is one way it shows up. With that role, there's an ever evolving list of acceptable responsibilities and behaviors that are approved and not approved to demonstrate your a _______ kind of person. I used to strive to be a good person. I am no longer striving to BE good. I'm working to accept I AM good. Flaws and all. All those things like going my own pace, laughing loudly at a fancy restaurant because I'm breaking bread with loved ones, exploring new ways to make connections... all of it comes with bumps and bruises. Mistakes and hurt feelings occur. My insistence on BEING a good person, prevented me from actually being really any good.
The BE part had me loosing myself and my temper with people I cared about. Several months after that conversation, a moment occurred where I lost my temper and spoke with a lot of anger and carelessness. When the next repair happened, I was struck by how the conversation centered around the moment of lost temper and the day before. The relationship we had didn't have room to discuss where our gulfs were not in alignment. The hurt feelings were personal and there was not enough room between the complexities of the connection to get a handle on addressing the issues. The gulf was there once again. I didn't yet recognize how the conversation from months before had changed the way I understood how I was perceived. These are all things I'm becoming aware of in real time. It was the distance between being flat and being full. Being full, being human is messy. It involves even if you want to BE a good person there may be moments where your actions aren't demonstrative of that. I was remorseful for how I handled myself, and simultaneously I was excited to have broken through to express emotions that hadn't been given words because I didn't want to cause strife. And I caused it with not having or giving it language yet. After that I moved closer to understanding I AM a good person, that will behave poorly when I ignore the Gulf between my aspirational self and where I really am, I’ve begun practicing to pay better attention. It helps me to move in a way that isn't caught up on my actions to prove I AM good, but more so in how I discipline myself moving forward. Had I spoken up prior, spent time acknowledging where I didn’t feel seen, understood, and the importance of that for me, quite possibly I may have never blown up. I AM takes time.
A few months later when I decided to part ways, I was able to look at the gulf. I was able to share aspects of what I noticed in the gulf. It hurt. Both parties. My gulf and being unaware of what existed within it inhibited the opportunity to show up as my whole self. It inhibited my ability to witness whether or not this was a welcome space for my whole self to exist. Sure the words were there but my body didn't believe it. And I wonder, would we have even become friends, would have I even considered her a friend with what I know now? I don’t think I would have ever taken this route. But this is now a part of my growing pains as a human.
I could have stayed. But I recognized although I was ready to explore my gulf, there was a gulf created between our communication, the framework that we created had to be pitched, and that would have required a lot more work that she had indicated she wasn't invested in doing. Do it right the first time. It hurt but I trusted it was the right decision because she demonstrated how important the little things were. I wasn't very good at paying attention to how all the little things showed up together. I didn't yet have the framework to do so. I didn't have an understanding of what capacity I needed in order to give someone else space to confront their gulf, to confront how they respond to becoming aware of someone else's gulf, to create the container to be unapologetically human, and that is if they even realize a gulf exists. That distance between your aspirational self and actual self is challenging to overcome.
That switch went off for me last year where I decided to just move like the good person I was, with all my flaws. There were a few more moments and misaligned connections that helped me to get better clarity on how this works as the year came to an end. There's new behaviors and new approaches that I’ve begun to explore for myself. There are so many new skills that have to be developed to support the execution. It's taken a lot of time. I've still got so much more work ahead of me. There are small ways I'm measuring the wins. Like now I don't over promise in the way I used to. (I still do with my mom way to much) I'm a work in progress.
I have had to evolve and shift the company I keep. Ensuring I'm around those who can tell me something, who can share with me and trust I'm not going to be another task to add to thier plate and vice versa. That takes time. That takes investment. That takes curiosity. That takes risk. Because I know I AM a good person, chances are the people coming into my life are also good. When harm occurs, curiosity goes into overdrive. There's an insistence on mutual understanding vs just trying to fix it. Each of us are individual worlds moving and flowing at our own individual pace. Sometimes we're eclipsed by the sun and have blind spots. Sometimes we realize where there is limitations and are affirmed in the others recognition and acknowledgement. Things done aren't viewed solely as bad or good, they are more so information where I/they get to decide what level of access or time and space will be shared. Theres an insistence on proper management of capacity.
I do realize that people do and will say whatever. Hell I talk all day everyday. I do my best to be aware of the environment that I'm in. I do my best to take responsibility for myself and my actions. I trust most people do the same, unless I notice otherwise. Sometimes I don't need to spend any amount of time to detect someone isn't for me. Sometimes I need to invest-igate further. At any rate the decision to stop trying to BE a good person and say the right or best thing and deciding that I just AM good clears up a lot of the noise in trying to decide what would be demonstrative of goodness. It means I can take addressing a situation as an opportunity to show up better within my capacity or not. But it gets to be clear. It means that my communication has been more direct. Critique is no longer received as a full blown character flaw the way it once was. It also means that when endings happen they aren't dramatic. Emotional yes, but care is at the forefront. I've noticed the endings that don't end with peace were where misalignment hung on for far too long. A gulf.
I've got a long way to go and yet I'm looking forward to what continues to blossom. Have you considered how socilization can make it challenging to show up as yourself? Where do you make excuses, where do you set the bar for clarity to reside? Where in your life are you liberated to do so? Thank you for reading along.
-Chef Leah