We are social beings; we want to love and be loved, which is more than natural; nevertheless, here we already enter wanting, desire – we engage in internal action exceeding our observational capacities, even if the longing is at its purest.
Even though the social dimension is part of the holistic bio-psycho-socio-spiritual model of the human being, it is not the dimension I intend to focus on. Its effect on everyday life and its inevitability are undeniable, but this book aims to explore the healing process within one’s unconditional reach, regardless of total isolation. The social dimension always depends on others or on the social system, and in this context, it is variable and requires mindful attention.
The social dimension we are interested in – the observable one, the one we can grasp – lies within us, as an internal part of our mind. For safe navigation in the external social dimension, which is inherently adventurous, we primarily need the ability to cope with ourselves, to be prepared to cope with others. If we have safe relations, they may certainly provide valuable support to our healing; nevertheless, I will not list this dimension as a core element due to its vulnerability.
Some may argue that the same applies to spirituality – it connects us and exists both inside and outside us. Very correct. However, spirituality is a stable (and yet always dynamic) part of us, always within our reach, even in our intimacy. I believe that, when approached with honesty, the spiritual dimension ultimately leads to freedom, truth, love, God. This cannot be said about the social dimension, since relying on it always means relying on people, with their intrinsic limitations and inevitable flaws. When engaged mindfully, when we know who we are, when we are integrated, knowing our boundaries and ultimate identity, the social dimension is indeed the greatest teacher. Until then, we will rely on what we can directly reach, observe, and act upon. Therefore, with this clarification, I will mention only the most important information about the social dimension.
The social dimension, as interpersonal connection, is one of the fundamental dimensions of human experience that reaches beyond our safe space. Our social world begins forming in early childhood with the family, then friendships, broader social systems, romance. From the first hug, smile, or reaction to our cry, it shapes our self-worth, our perception of and relation to ourselves, love, the world, and life itself. Within this dynamic, our patterns of acceptance-versus-rejection, freedom-versus-self-protection are structured deep within our minds.
While at the beginning of our lives our social dimension is being created, and in adolescence it is being probed, for most of us it continues throughout life as a question of why and how...
The social dimension is a great teacher, giving us lectures and tests we could never have anticipated, showing us a mirror of our fears and lies – if we are prepared. It requires a certain internal stability to grasp these lessons as opportunities to learn, rather than as pure punishment.
As we have probably experienced, romantic relationships serve as the most potent catalysts for our self-analysis. When we integrate an outer relationship, or the person themselves, into our inner world, in doing so, we accept an alien that we must be able to handle. Again, it serves us well if we are first able to handle ourselves, allowing us to distinguish between ourselves and the other within us, between who we are and what we are accepting. Acceptance does not mean agreeing with everything our partner does or thinks. It simply means a deep inner acceptance of diversity, which we will not allow to endanger us. At least not beyond the point of our conscious decision. Within, we remain safe to accept everything with curious observation, learning, letting ourselves be inspired by the new insights of our partner.
If we are not safe within ourselves, we cannot properly distinguish our boundaries, priorities, or trust ourselves, relationships, love, the world – our base for building intimate bonds is already undermined, as we may struggle with constant wariness. Now, being realistic, if we waited for this, humanity would soon become extinct, so we enter relationships just as we are, and that is all right. This is meant to identify the predictable complications.
Far safer are friendships, offering support within a comfortable zone – not entangled, but still providing acceptance, love, sharing. They offer space for intimacy and teach us mutual attunement, while holding that mirror in which we can observe ourselves, analyze, and try a step forward. The underlying connection often remains more constant and stable, since, at the end of the day, we can freely set aside our differences and embrace our similarities.
Communication is the breath of relationships, with dialogues helping us to form our ideas, clear the mind, understand ourselves, learn from others, feel the support, and perhaps offer a communal safety net, while, without judgment, granting validation to our own insights so we may internalize that we are not alone, that there are others who feel and think the way we do. And then there are the very practical, yet heart-melting situations, such as a simple offer of a pillow with no questions asked, attending to meals, shopping, or medication. Seeing our reflection in relationships may offer us a glimpse of our value and dignity. Regardless, the final processing of “who am I” remains solely within ourselves.