I've been having a hard time figuring out what to do with this "space". Since I'm going to link it to my journal blogs about my Adventures in Coercive Control, I decided that I'm going to make the gallery here pictures of me.
He hated when I started to heal and when I started to rise out of my depressive episode that he was planning on taking me out. He then accused me of cheating. Like, oh, I'm showering 5x a week now, getting "dressed" again, and I'm cheating. hahaha god forbid I wake up in the morning and want to feel good, look good, or treat myself to basic things like self care.
I first did a boudoir shoot when I was "coming to" I put it off. Almost bailed on it. But I reminded myself of the promise that I made to myself. That I would have to push through discomfort and all of the "feelings" that would come up. I know it sounds dumb, but I couldn't look at myself that way. Wasn't comfortable with my body anymore. All of the confidence and the work that I did after leaving my first abuser to even feel human again, to feel like a woman again. I allowed him to take that from me. It didn't happen all at once. Comments about my clothes, too much makeup, why are you wearing heels? Criticisms about my clothes. I have my own kind of style. It cann change, but I'm prone to some bod patterns from time to time. A coworker passed away and I was wearing this outfit that I thought was the shit. I was feeling it. He fucking shut that down and said I looked like Donna Summer.
So the fuck what. Donna Summer is a mortherfucking Queen.
Anyway, I hated seeing myself on camera, one thing that he would do is intentionally take pictures of me from awful angles. Always. I did a selfie a day for a year. I think I stuck pretty close to it. But I never posted those selfies. They were for me. To look back, to see the changes and the growth. I'm ready to share those now. Perhaps this is the place.