In a call with one of my clients - I’ll call him Onyx - this is the very question that came up. All his life, he has been making most of his decisions based on what he perceived others wanted of him: family, wife, even friends. And today, he just doesn’t know how to differentiate between him and them.
“Is my desire guided by society? Is it my fear of hurting the ones I love, or becoming an outcast? How can I tell if I’m being guided by my Soul or by my Ego? I don’t know!”
In Five-Element Theory, “What do I really want?” is one of the 5 primary questions that belong in the Wood Element. Wood is about knowing true path, and having the confidence to follow it, knowing what direction to take. It’s about decisiveness but also flexibility.
For those of us who do not have the answer, this turns into an endless quest. And it is this struggle to find the answer that will generate within us emotional responses, mechanisms, patterns we resort to, to help us cope with the void of not knowing the answer.
Deep down we know what we want. We really do. But there are so many layers choking our essence – family, friends, spouse, respected experts, society, ego, the list goes on and on – we can’t tell the difference anymore.
“What do I really want?” is about self-discovery, exploring your body and connecting with your guts and your heart. It is about knowing your true path. And that feeling is like no other: it comes from within, where your heart, guts, and every fibre of your being vibrates with certainty (not dogma), determination (not stubbornness), and trust in Self (not arrogance).
So how do we start removing the layers? By making time and space to discover how your body reacts: where / how do you feel joy in your body? How about certainty? Is it certainty, or dogma? Can you tell the difference? Where does fear live in your body?
Spend 10 minutes a day with your body. Start noticing sensations, be curious, experiment, explore by sitting with yourself, journaling. It just takes the first step: 10 mins a day, exploring your body.
The answer to ‘What do I really want?’ is not fixed. It will evolve as we do. Sometimes we may have the answer for a while and then it escapes us again. And it’s ok. This is part of the journey. And this what helps us reach the next version of ourselves.
Remember, you can reach out with any questions, or thoughts you have! I'd love to hear about you...