Looking in the Mirror and Not Seeing Myself
I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Some days are easier than others, but there are times when the darkness closes in and everything seems hopeless. One particularly bad episode a few years ago stands out in my mind - I remember waking up feeling like I wasn't really "there." Like my consciousness had slipped a few inches outside of my body.
I dragged myself out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom to brush my teeth. But when I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, I froze. The face staring back at me didn't look anything like how I felt inside. The eyes were empty and hollow, surrounded by dark circles. My skin was pale and waxy, cheeks slightly sunken. But it wasn't just my physical appearance - it was more than that. I didn't recognize the person looking back at me. In that moment, it truly felt like I was gazing at a complete stranger.
My first thought was that the mirror had to be broken or warped somehow. There was no way the sad, zombie-like figure could possibly be me. I leaned in closer, almost pressing my nose to the glass, searching for some trace of familiarity. But I found nothing. It was deeply unsettling, like an out of body experience.
That day was one of the worst dissociative episodes I've had from my depression. I often find solace in creative outlets like coloring - there's something soothing about picking up a colored pencil or marker and losing myself in the patterns and hues. On days when my mind feels especially heavy, it's one of the few things that can distract me from the constant negative self-talk. Cognitive behavioral therapy and journaling my honest thoughts/feelings each day also help me recognize when depression is distorting my perceptions. Medication makes a huge difference by quieting the loud, constant critic inside my mind.
Over time, with support like coloring and treatment, I slowly started to feel more "there" again - like I could recognize myself looking back from the mirror. My reflection now doesn't send me into an existential tailspin wondering "who is that strange person?!" I know intellectually that my worth isn't defined by how I may appear on bad mental health days. But it's still tricky - depression has a way of planting seeds of doubt that never fully disappear. Even now, on low mood days, I sometimes catch my reflection and question if I'm seeing clearly.
Share how you feel when dealing with mental health.