Apocalyptic Diesel Badger
Mellivora petrolei
(also known as the turbo ratel, among many other nicknames)
The diesel badger is among the most fascinating—and most dangerous—animals one can encounter in the inner and outer worlds. Fortunately, it is found only in the desert wastes of Madmaxia. So far.
Its origins are unknown, though it presumably has some connection to the honey badger. According to Earth legends and records (generally regarded as fiction), the honey badger was a small predator native to Earth’s Africa, related to the wolverine, which, unlike the honey badger, is found on many worlds. Honey badgers were almost suicidally aggressive, willing to attack much larger animals or entire packs if they felt that someone had given them a funny look. They were also supposedly highly intelligent, possessed considerable natural resistance to various poisons, and were among the few species on Earth known to use tools.
Discounting unreliable anecdotes, nobody has ever actually encountered a honey badger. The diesel badger nevertheless resembles it closely enough, despite being considerably worse in certain respects, to suggest that diesel badgers either evolved from honey badgers, probably with some magical or technological assistance, or were created artificially from scratch. They are not mentioned in the legends of the elder gods, so they must have originated or evolved after the fall of the gods.
Several studies claim to prove that diesel badgers evolved naturally in regions of Madmaxia where virtually nothing lives apart from prospectors and gangs of bikers and motorists. They therefore adapted to the available food of organic origin: crude oil from scattered oil fields. Only later did they begin to specialize in their usual prey—motorcycles, cars, and smaller trucks—from which, besides fuel, they primarily consume plastics, lubricating oils, coolants, hydraulic fluids, and sometimes the leather and upholstery of the seats. These studies, however, are frequently authored or promoted by individuals who are themselves obvious suspects in this almost supernatural feat of genetic manipulation.
At first glance, a diesel badger looks very much like a honey badger, only noticeably bulkier and several times larger. An adult generally weighs more than a hundred kilograms, and there are documented cases in which tracks found at the scene indicate that a convoy must have been destroyed by a diesel badger weighing at least half a metric ton. The infamous “tame” diesel badger Turbo-Cuddles is estimated to weigh a little over 300 kilograms.
Like the honey badger, the diesel badger is extremely territorial and aggressive, willing to attack even against overwhelming odds or take on prey many times its own size. There are documented cases of diesel badgers attacking tank convoys, including one regrettable incident in which an attack actually succeeded. According to witnesses in the surrounding tanks, however, the blame lay with the commander of the destroyed vehicle, Lieutenant Eugene Pipoobler, who, despite warnings, crossed diesel badger territory with his turret hatch open and his head sticking out. The vehicle was an outdated design without separate compartments for individual crew members. Once the diesel badger had hauled out Lieutenant Pipoobler’s remains and entered the tank, the crew had only a few brief and painful seconds left to live.
Interestingly, diesel badgers do not usually attack people, particularly those traveling alone or on foot. Although a diesel badger requires a small amount of ordinary organic matter in its diet, probably to aid digestion, it is not inclined to attack organic targets unless it is hungry or attempting to supplement its diet with indigestible inert material to settle an upset stomach. One legend tells of a group of diesel badgers that developed a taste for the aramid fibers in bulletproof Kevlar vests but failed to explain to their wearers that they were interested in the armor rather than the meat it protected. A diesel badger will, however, attack when provoked, and, unfortunately, provoking one takes very little. Owning a motor vehicle, for instance.
Diesel badgers that have fought for and secured territory containing an oil seep or an oil well often remain close to their source of sustenance, hunting merely to add variety to their diet. Most, however, maintain extensive territories covering many hundreds of square kilometers and hunt anything nutritious they find within them.
They are usually solitary, though small groups occasionally form to cooperate for a time. The sole exception is the population of diesel badgers on the eastern coast, which live in a permanent group of approximately twenty individuals. Local legends claim they are led by Ben Zee, a human foundling discovered by a female diesel badger that had lost her cubs. She raised him on prechewed plastic and alcohol. This legend, however, is chiefly circulated by a local vagrant and drunkard named Bez, who tells it in local pubs and tries to collect payment in the form of distilled spirits and aviation gasoline.
Like their presumed ancestors, diesel badgers possess very long, formidable claws that are almost supernaturally sharp—a suspicious trait given Madmaxia’s classification as a world with only a trace of magical aura. With a little persistence, they can claw their way through metal plating and carry out extensive excavation work in a matter of hours. They are therefore fond of digging pit traps beneath well-traveled stretches of desert, into which heavy vehicles readily fall. (Survival tip: following existing wheel tracks in diesel badger country is not recommended.)
More often, however, they track prey detected by their keen senses. They can smell traces of petroleum products from tens of kilometers away. Leaking oil or a poorly sealed fuel tank can leave a clear trail that a diesel badger will willingly follow at a run for several days before catching its prey. Keeping your vehicle in perfect working order is essential to survival. It is also advisable to refuel with the utmost care, preferably just before departure. Filling the tank before the crew beds down for the night may result in several diesel badgers turning up for breakfast around dawn.
If the unfortunate travelers are lucky, their visitor will be an experienced diesel badger that drags away a few spare fuel cans or punctures the tank with its claws and drinks its fill.
Seasoned desert travelers recommend leaving a small can of high-quality diesel at the edge of the perimeter each night, just in case. Should a diesel badger arrive at camp, it will often accept this offering and drag it off somewhere out of the way. The visitor may, however, be a youngster that has yet to learn moderation and becomes aggressive after guzzling a few dozen liters of gasoline or diesel. Diluting the contents of the can with ethanol or methanol is likewise not recommended. Although both substances cause severe intoxication in diesel badgers, especially methanol, they also increase the animals’ aggression. The outcome is unpredictable. The likelihood of a diesel badger drinking itself into a stupor is very low; it is more likely to become excessively affectionate or psychotically aggressive.
In the worst case, the diesel badger will simply excavate the ground beneath the vehicle and cache the whole thing for later. If you wake in the morning to find nothing but a depression in the ground where your infantry fighting vehicle stood the night before, take it as a lesson to be more careful next time. If you try digging it out with shovels, the diesel badger will take it personally. Finders keepers.
Beyond the aforementioned bribes of sacrificial fuel cans, or at least plastic bottles of high-octane gasoline or high-quality diesel, there are only a few sensible ways of dealing with a diesel badger unless you happen to have an armored task force or attack helicopters at your disposal.
A direct confrontation with a diesel badger requires suicidal tendencies, heavy weapons, and armor-piercing ammunition. Aiming for the head is recommended. A shot to the belly of a well-fed specimen may trigger a powerful explosion of undigested fuel.
Traps employing powerful antitank plasma mines with modified fuzes have proved somewhat effective. A mine buried approximately half a meter deep and doused with several liters of gasoline as bait will usually dispose of an unwary diesel badger. Environmental activists warn, however, that the widespread deployment of antitank mines may trigger a further evolutionary change in the species. Several eyewitnesses claim to have watched a female diesel badger lead her cubs to a planted mine, demonstrate how to carefully dig it up and disarm it, then feed them the energy-rich plastic explosive.
This is only one of many recorded instances demonstrating these destructive animals’ high intelligence. Separating credible accounts from legends and tales told around the camp trenches is difficult. There are, however, stories of diesel badgers that “farm” oil prospectors, carefully protecting them until they locate another deposit and establish a rudimentary well, at which point the prospectors are sent packing.
The aforementioned Turbo-Cuddles, the only known “tame” diesel badger, lives at the famous gas station and roadside diner “Hic sunt diesel badgers.” The station’s official owner claims to have found his pet as a tiny cub, raised him, and now uses him to protect the station from raiders and wild diesel badgers. Anyone who spends even a few hours there, however, will see quite clearly who is the station’s undisputed owner and who is his servant.
Several tribes of primitive bikers surviving on the fringes of the desert worship diesel badgers as their totem animals, bringing them offerings of stolen fuel cans and smaller vehicles.
It is extremely fortunate that this animal is found only in Madmaxia. All neighboring worlds have strictly banned the transport of diesel badgers, and attempted smuggling is treated as a capital offense, despite protests from universities and zoos.
This is hardly surprising: nobody in their right mind wants to risk a repeat of the unfortunate incident in which a female diesel badger was captured for transfer to Norport University, only to escape in the harbor. Her city demolition project lasted several days before being stopped by an airborne brigade hastily recalled from the front. According to other, officially unconfirmed accounts, however, it took the combined efforts of a police tactical team and several of the city’s Founders, who were forced to expend the last of their magical power.
Aencyclopedia Lunatica, E6V