I have finally answered the question that Sir asked me about a couple of weeks ago: Outside of kink, how do you view authenticity and connection in your friend groups, and how does that affect “bonding” with people?
That question also prompted me to write Mapping Connections, where I laid out my definitions for acquaintances, friends, and chosen/logical family, and why those distinctions matter to me.
Most of the people I spend time with outside of my bio family or work are part of kink and polyam circles. Because of that, the line between my “vanilla” and “kink” life tends to fade. The same people I might see at a dungeon are often the ones I grab coffee with, text when I’m having a rough day, or invite to our home. That overlap means the way I connect, trust, and bond with people isn’t split into separate boxes; it’s one continuous flow, where the same authenticity matters in both spaces.
For me, authenticity isn’t about telling someone every detail of my life or baring my soul all the time. It’s about showing up as honestly as I can in the moment. That means being willing to share the good, the messy, and the in-progress parts of myself without feeling like I have to perform.
When people in my life do the same, the connection feels real. We can move easily between lighthearted moments and harder, more vulnerable conversations without it feeling like a big leap. Not every interaction needs to be deep, but knowing we can go there if needed changes the trust between us. That’s when a bond starts to feel steady rather than fragile.
I notice the difference when someone only shows me their polished side or keeps everything on a surface level. That doesn’t make them a bad person; some people simply aren’t ready or interested in going deeper, and that’s okay. But without authenticity, I usually keep that person in the acquaintance category rather than calling them a friend.
As I explained before, I think of my relationships in layers: acquaintances, friends, and chosen/logical family. Acquaintances are people I enjoy seeing but don’t share much of my personal life with. Friends are people I trust enough to let in further, where there’s mutual care and respect. Chosen or logical family is where the deepest loyalty lives, the people I can count on in the middle of the night, the ones who’ve seen me at my best and worst and stayed.
Authenticity is what moves someone from one layer to the next. Without it, the connection might still be pleasant, but it won’t feel strong enough to lean on. With it, trust builds naturally over time, and the bond doesn’t have to be forced; it simply grows.
The same is true in kink. If I don’t feel someone is showing up as themselves, I’m not going to open up to them in a scene or share the parts of me that require vulnerability. Whether we’re in a dungeon or a coffee shop, the bond I feel with someone comes down to the same question: are we showing up as ourselves, and are we both willing to keep doing that?
Whether I’m talking about friendships, kink relationships, or chosen family, the foundation is the same: authenticity. If we can both show up as our authentic selves, not just the curated or “safe” version, then trust can grow. And when trust grows, so does the bond.
For me, those bonds are what make a community feel like home. They’re the connections I can lean on when life is good and when it’s falling apart. And whether we met in a dungeon, at a munch, or over coffee, if we’ve built that kind of authenticity together, it doesn’t really matter which world we started in; it all becomes the same circle.