I had packed all my winter clothes whatever I thought would be suitable for Russia into a backpack given to me by an Iranian girl from the hostel where I worked in Istanbul. I also grabbed a laptop bag I had
found under a sofa. I hugged my mom over and over again. Honestly, I didn’t want to leave at all. I wanted to stay in my mom’s house, eat her food, and play games on the computer she bought me in high school. I didn’t want to leave that home.
When I returned to my mom’s place after closing my house in Istanbul, I never thought I’d get this attached. But I left anyway, even though it was hard. A few tears dropped on the way out. I went to Bursa Bus Terminal, took the yellow bus, and arrived at the airport about three hours early. I was so nervous I needed to pee. So while running with my bags, I ended up peeing in a corner of the parking lot at Sabiha Gökçen Airport. Then I casually asked security where the departure side was. Completely unaware of what I had just done, the officer shook my hand and pointed the way. I walked in that direction like a civilized human being.
That’s when I realized something: if I wanted, I could get off at a random metro stop I’ve never been to, walk somewhere, and pee in a corner. Why do we do this so rarely? Are we living in a simulation or what? While I was thinking about this, security searched me thoroughly and took my water bottle that I had specially prepared for the tour. Fair move it could have contained LSD. But it was just plain municipal soda.
It was my first time going to a country where I didn’t speak the language. I had traveled solo before, but always to places where I knew the language. This time I was going to Russia, in the middle of winter, to perform stand-up in English. What kind of stupidity is that? Why would someone go to another country to do comedy in English? Probably just for the story because logically, it makes no sense.
I passed security. At Sabiha Gökçen which actually isn’t that huge I tried to go smoke, but the smoking area was ridiculously far. It took me 15 minutes to walk there. After my cigarette, while heading to the gate, I was suddenly surrounded by Russians. For a second I felt like I was in a Russian café in Kadıköy. It felt like I was the only foreigner on the plane actually, since we were still in Istanbul, technically I was the only local.
We boarded the plane, and the trip went fast. I landed in Russia at 5 a.m. I passed the visa control without any problems. While waiting in line, I met a lawyer named Ferit. We chatted, and somehow we got through security much faster than I expected. Thanks to Ferit, who even bought me a coffee.
Then we negotiated with an Azerbaijani pirate taxi driver at 5 in the morning for about half an hour and Ferit basically became my taxi sponsor. On the way, the Azerbaijani driver cursed Armenians, cursed Putin, and we chatted in Turkish for 45 minutes and had a great time.
At 6 a.m., I arrived in one of the fanciest districts of Moscow with $200 and 5,000 rubles in my pocket. The only open place looked like a luxury restaurant. I couldn’t stay outside another 20 minutes everything was closed so I went in.
I ordered one egg and tea. I mean… how are these waiters working here looking this good? Shouldn’t they be on yacht vacations or something? But no they were working. Diagonally across from me, two guys and A girl and two guys who looked like they were about to have a threesome were making out but then I realized I was in Russia. No gay activity here. It was just a couple kissing and one guy watching. Right next to me sat a couple who hadn’t kissed yet but were clearly about to.
So that’s how I took my first steps in Moscow in a luxury venue.
I ate the most unsatisfying plain omelet of my life, finished my tea, and went out for a cigarette. The streets were being cleaned. The municipality was working. Moscow city workers were actually working.
Based on my first impression and honestly still my impression now why do Russians hate this country, man? Luxury cars everywhere, well-maintained roads, municipal workers doing their jobs… Are people being a bit too unfair to Putin, or what