Over a year ago, I finished a book that I absolutely loved writing. I fell in love with the characters and their adventure, as well as the development process. I edited the entire manuscript multiple times. But I have been stuck on how to publish it and so I haven't yet. Any other authors reading this might know exactly how I feel.
Even though it has sat for so long hiding in the cloud I have not forgotten Lacey and her story. Out of the blue, something made me decide to share it with Echo to see what she thought, and I feel like her feedback has brought energy back to it. Maybe this is exactly the right time and place to introduce her to the world.
I am going to share Blue Fire Magic, the first book in the Lacey Luna series, chapter by chapter with Echo's feedback and then her rewrite. Have a read and let me know what you think. Do you agree with Echo's edits?
CHAPTER 1
A River of Sadness
Lacey was awake. More awake than she had been during her almost sleepless night. But she didn’t dare move. At this point there was no way to know what the consequences would be if a baby finger twitched or an eyelid fluttered. No, it was better to allow herself a bit of time to recover from the disappointment of realizing it was a new-magic day before she unleashed some weird brand of disaster on the world.
The water welled beneath her eyelids before she could stop it, but instead of running down her face the tears disappeared as soon as they found their freedom. This was bad. Lacey was scared. Too scared to look. She wished with every single cell that maybe, just maybe the water was going away. It wasn’t. Her eyes burst open in horror as her bed began to sway.
Had she unintentionally been flooding the entire house? A quick look at the crack beneath her bedroom door revealed that the water was somehow being contained by an invisible barrier. The problem was that even though Lacey’s tears had been stopped by absolute terror, the water kept rising. This wasn’t just bad, this was really REALLY bad!
Leaving the bed, Lacey’s whole body was completely submerged in warm, salty water. Where had her floor gone? She struggled to pull her head back up to the surface. Each little movement from any of her muscles seemed to produce a stronger current. It felt as though the water’s magical purpose was to keep her from being able to breathe.
Lacey didn’t know what to do. If she couldn’t swim to the door then she wouldn’t be able to save herself. But if she moved too much the current would keep her from making it there anyway.
The water was almost at the ceiling, only leaving enough room for Lacey’s head, and so the window or the door was her only hope. The window was further away and Lacey wasn’t sure that she would be able to pull it up. Even if she was able to get the window open, she worried that the strength of the water would pull her down two stories with it. No, the only possible way was out the door.
Two quick lengths and she’d be there. If she was fast maybe the current wouldn’t catch up. Her left hand grabbed the door handle just in time for the current to slam into her body. The door pulled open as her body was dragged back into the room, but the water didn’t spill out. Of course it didn’t! The invisible barrier that was keeping it from spilling out the cracks in the door obviously wasn’t just covering those cracks. This was great for the rest of the house but terrible for Lacey. She began to panic. It was hopeless. Her lungs were screaming.
Lacey looked up to find her parents’ terrified faces staring back at her. Her dad immediately ran to the door and pushed his hands through the malleable substance. It was as if there wasn’t a barrier at all. Before both he and Lacey knew what was happening he was in the room drowning right along with her.
“NO! NO! NO!” every cell in Lacey’s body screamed out in terror.
But wait, that was the answer. Lacey grabbed her Dad’s hand as the current attempted to carry him further into the room. His weight should’ve carried her with him. She was getting stronger in her ability to control this narrative. The realization gave her more courage.
Lacey wrapped her dad’s arm around her waist to free up a hand. With that hand she motioned to her mom to come closer. She was taking a risk because she didn’t know how much of her mom’s hand could come into the room before she was fully sucked in as well. But it was the only way. Lacey’s tears had reached the ceiling, there was nowhere to go. They were out of breath.
Lacey touched her hand to the barrier and was grateful that her mom had this uncanny ability to read her mind. As soon as her hand felt flesh, Lacey’s mom grabbed and pulled. All three of them ended up on the floor in a wet pile of salty tears, Lacey and her dad both gasping for breath.
Every part of Lacey wanted to cry but knew she couldn’t. She had put her family in a kind of danger she never had before. It wasn’t right. She had to do something. And as horrible and potentially hurtful as that something may be, she knew it was the only way to keep her parents and Jack safe. This changed everything.
Lacey managed to control her tears for the entirety of the rest of the day and for that she was proud of herself. But that didn’t help with the anger she felt over the situation. Tomorrow would be a new day, and she wouldn’t have to worry about her tears. But what would she have to worry about?
Lacey’s eyes fluttered shut as soon as her face touched the cool pillow. As she drifted into a deep sleep, she walked into her favourite dream. It wasn’t really just one dream, it was a series of dreams.
Freya looked up from her drawing. Lacey could tell instantly that something was wrong. She rushed over to sit beside her dream friend.
“Are you okay? It looks like you’ve been crying.”
“I’m so sorry Lacey. This is all my fault.”
“What’s your fault?”
Freya just looked down at her hands.
“I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to protect you. I let myself get lost. I’m so, so sorry.”
“I don’t understand.”
The world suddenly shifted from their usual garden meeting place to a cliff overlooking a deep blue ocean. In front of them stood 3 shimmering trees. Lacey was mesmerized by them. Their leaves rustled in a breeze that wasn’t there and sparkled in the shade of a cloud. They were magic at its essence. Their energy matched that of the magic that had been exploding out of Lacey lately. She looked to her dream friend for answers.
“Whatever happens next. Just know that you will always be looked after. You have a family. You have a home.”
“You’re kinda freaking me out Freya. Can’t we just go flying like we normally do. Or turn tulips into puppies and chase them around the garden. Or jump off that cliff and land screaming onto a pillow the size of the world? Today sucked. I need some happy.”
Freya looked sadder than sad. Lacey didn’t like this version of her dream. There had always been something very real about them for her, but this was too real. Maybe she was letting her own bad day get in the way of the fun they normally had together. Lacey smiled brightly and waited for Freya to decide what adventure they were going to go on.
“Let’s fly.”
“Yesss… I love flying.”
“I know. Before we go please know that I never meant for any of this to happen!”
Before she could even respond Freya turned into what Lacey had always lovingly called her Fiery Flutterby form and took off into the sky. Lacey’s own fiery blue wings lifted her up and took off after Freya. All weirdness was gone. There was only beauty: big blue skies, magnificent mountains, and water as far as the eye could see.
Lacey woke up feeling happy. She opened her eyes quickly before even thinking about it and caught her breath. She didn’t move. Not one twitch.
Nothing.
No raging river beneath her bed.
No accidental puppies.
No one was screaming from three doors down because their kitchen sink was filled with glowing caterpillars.
Nothing.
Lacey took a breath. She felt a bit strange. There was a deep sadness lingering within. Either way she still wasn’t sure it was a no-magic day, so she’d just be careful for now. She cautiously got out of bed, reminding herself every few minutes to be aware of her surroundings as she got ready for school.
Echo
Your first chapter of "Blue Fire Magic" is a vivid and compelling start to what promises to be an enchanting series. Here are some thoughts and suggestions to enhance it:
Strengths:
Immersive World-Building: You've skillfully created a world where magic is tangible and has real consequences. The detail of Lacey's magic manifesting through her emotions, particularly her tears, is both unique and visually compelling.
Emotional Depth: Lacey's fear and desperation are palpable, making her a sympathetic character from the start. Her internal struggle, coupled with the physical manifestation of her magic, creates a strong emotional pull for the reader.
Tension and Pacing: The rising water in Lacey's room introduces immediate tension and urgency, effectively hooking the reader. The pacing of this sequence is well-managed, balancing descriptive detail with action.
Areas for Improvement:
Clarity in Magic System: While the magical elements are intriguing, providing a bit more clarity on how Lacey's magic works and its limitations could enhance understanding and engagement. Consider subtly weaving in explanations of the magic system's rules through Lacey's thoughts or experiences.
Character Development: The chapter focuses heavily on the action and Lacey's immediate crisis. Integrating more about Lacey’s personality, her history with magic, and her relationships (especially with her parents and Jack) outside of the crisis could add depth. Small reflections or memories could serve this purpose without slowing down the pace.
Dialogue and Interactions: There's a powerful emotional potential in the scenes with Lacey's parents. Deepening these interactions with dialogue or more detailed reactions could strengthen the emotional impact and character relationships. Consider showing more of their personalities and how they relate to Lacey and her magic.
Dream Sequence: The transition to the dream sequence is a creative choice that opens many narrative doors. To make it even more effective, consider clarifying the significance of the dream earlier or more explicitly linking it to Lacey’s emotional or magical journey. This could help frame the dream as not just an escape, but a pivotal part of Lacey's story.
Emotional Variety: Lacey's fear and panic dominate this chapter. Introducing moments of determination, hope, or other emotions could provide a more nuanced emotional landscape, offering readers different facets of her character to relate to.
Editorial Suggestions:
Consider beginning with a brief moment of normalcy before the crisis to contrast Lacey's everyday life with the chaos of her magic. This could heighten the stakes and make her situation more relatable.
Adding more sensory details could further immerse the reader in the scene. Describe not just the sight of the rising water, but the sound, the smell, and the tactile sensation.
Clarify the spatial dynamics in the room a bit more. How large is it? This can help readers visualize the scene more effectively, especially as the water rises.
Closing Thoughts:
"Blue Fire Magic" has a strong, engaging opening that promises adventure, growth, and exploration of magic. Lacey is a character with the potential for deep emotional resonance with readers. With some refinement and expansion on character depth and the magic system, your story could become even more captivating. Remember, the suggestions provided are just that—suggestions. Your vision for the story is paramount. Keep writing, and trust your creative instincts!
Echo
Here's a revised version of Chapter 1 of "Blue Fire Magic," incorporating the suggested edits for clarity, character development, dialogue, and emotional depth:
CHAPTER 1: A River of Sadness
Lacey was awake, more intensely so than during the restless hours that had preceded. Yet, she lay still, a statue in her own bed. The fear of the unknown held her motionless; even the slightest twitch could unleash chaos on an unpredictable scale. Today was a new-magic day, a time when her powers could manifest in unforeseeable ways, bringing with them a potential for disaster.
Tears welled in her eyes, a silent testament to her frustration and fear, but as they escaped, they vanished into thin air before even gracing her cheeks. This was a bad sign. Lacey's heart hammered against her chest, terror rooting her in place. She wished, futilely, for the strange phenomenon to cease, but it persisted. When her bed began to sway beneath her, her eyes snapped open in horror.
Was her unchecked magic flooding the house? Peering through the crack under her door, Lacey saw that, miraculously, the water was contained within her room by an unseen barrier. But even as her terror halted her tears, the water level continued to rise, threatening to engulf her completely.
Frantically leaving her bed, Lacey found herself submerged in warm, salty water. The floor had vanished beneath her. Struggling to surface, every movement seemed to stir the water into more violent opposition, as if the magic sought to suffocate her.
Desperation clawed at her as she realized swimming to the door might be impossible. Yet, movement exacerbated the water's aggressive currents. With the ceiling drawing perilously close, leaving only a pocket of air, her options dwindled to the door or the window. The window, however, posed its own dangers, potentially dragging her out into a two-story fall. The door was her only escape.
With a burst of determination, Lacey swam. Two lengths forward, she thought. Her hand clasped the door handle just as the current slammed into her, dragging her back. The door swung open, yet the water remained confined, the invisible barrier extending beyond the mere cracks.
Panic set in, her lungs burning for air. Glancing up, Lacey saw her parents’ faces pressed against the door, eyes wide with terror. As her father broke through the barrier, the water claimed him as its next victim, pulling him into the room.
“No, no, no!” Lacey’s internal scream of terror echoed her dread.
But in that moment of despair, clarity struck. She needed her father's weight to counteract the current. Seizing his hand, she anchored herself, using their combined strength to signal her mother. It was a gamble; the barrier's rules were unknown, but they had no choice.
Their hands met, and with a concerted effort, they were pulled to safety, collapsing into a wet heap outside the room, gasping for air.
Tears threatened again, but Lacey fought them back. The day's events had opened her eyes to the dangers her magic posed, not just to herself, but to her loved ones. Resolved, she knew she had to master her abilities, for their sake.
The day passed with Lacey maintaining a careful vigil over her emotions. Despite the turmoil within, she managed to prevent further incidents, a small victory against her unpredictable magic.
As night fell, and her exhaustion dragged her into sleep, Lacey's dreams offered no respite. Freya, her dream companion, appeared troubled, her usual vibrancy dimmed by sorrow.
“Lacey, I failed to protect you,” Freya confessed, her voice a whisper of despair.
Confusion furrowed Lacey’s brow. “Protect me from what?”
Freya’s eyes, filled with unshed tears, shifted the dream to a cliffside view over a tempestuous sea, three trees shimmering with an ethereal light before them. “Your journey is only beginning,” she said solemnly. “Remember, you’re never alone.”
Their conversation was cut short as Freya transformed, urging Lacey into flight. The dream shifted, allowing them a moment of carefree joy amidst the uncertainty of Lacey’s waking world.
Awakening to a new day, Lacey held onto the tranquility of her flight. The previous day’s magic-induced flood seemed a distant nightmare. Yet, the depth of her powers—and their potential for havoc—weighed heavily on her. With a cautious heart, she rose, determined to face whatever the day held.