It's a funny thing anxiety. Not anxiety itself. That's not funny. The different affect(s) it has on different people. It doesn't affect people in the same way.
For example, before I was medicated for anxiety I would fret and I would second guess myself. I would replay imagined, not yet happened, or ever likely to happen scenarios in my head. Over and over. Repetitive thinking. Intrusive thoughts.
My anxiety would reach uncontrollable states. With the worse possible outcome to my imagined scenarios.
I couldn't be reasoned with and I needed constant reassurance that nothing which I imagined would happen, would happen. But the reassurance didn't last long. Round and round.
I think I finally realised that I needed help was at the top of Ingleborough Mountain. Where I should have been in my ultimate happy place, but anxiety doesn't care about that.
I remember that I did eventually get outside. I almost didn't that day. I was exploring and I hadn't planned to climb the mountain, but I ended up following the same path that I saw the distant hikers going along. That leads to the summit
"Shut up and get a grip. Children in flip-flops carrying naked barbie dolls climb this." I told myself as I climbed. It's just Ingleborough Mountain.
To be honest I was fine going up, as I always am.
But then I had to come back down. My new found fear of heights, fear of falling off, over, in, all heightened with the perimenopause, erratic hormones, along with my current 'head up my arse' mental-health state, kicked off. All at once I think!.
I became crag-fast on the summit. I couldn't look over the edge to find the path back down (Ingleborough summit is a plateau). I began to panic. I couldn't find the path down. I was on the verge of tears, the brink of a meltdown.
I panicked and asked a hiker how to get off. He took control and followed me down the 'craggy path', reassuring me as I went. "don't look outwards, look at your feet, watch your step, keep your right hand on the side, you're doing fine".
When I was off the narrow footpath I was ok, I thanked him, embarrassed, and carried on ahead, jogging away.
Then I cried.
I spoke to a GP and medication has since helped. My anxiety was still there, but less heightened. Bubbling. I slept better. Which was the most important.
As my last post mentioned, I began, and I am now on, HRT and I have since stopped anxiety medication (a decision I made).
I feel better, less anxious, or at least now more able to manage my anxiety.
