Dear friend,
I was up, early, today, and decided to do a bit of that ‘Let-me-laze-in-bed’ Twitter scroll. I was not wiser for it. I knew what I was doing yet persisted still. Before I knew it, I clocked in two hours of scrolling!!!
The thoughts came in like highly directional paper planes, finding their mark, fitting into grooves within my brainspace, and I began to write. Away I go! 🧹
• On friendships: I am Hermit-like by nature. Sups reclusive. I enjoy being on my own, left to my devices. I connect at a pace where things are free and feel free-flowing and we don’t have to (constantly) keep in touch to know our Love is good and true. Not long ago, I used to operate on a lower/toxic side of the spectrum. I did not know my limits, or how to set any boundaries, I didn’t value my time, and my focus was on the other person, their needs and how they expected them to be met. I over-extended and people-pleased to assure those of: my likeability as a person, my love for and loyalty towards them (even if it meant being disloyal to myself). In some situations, I felt unsafe to be who I was or say ‘No’ because of the possible reactions to it. I under-communicated and placated instead of being assertive, and seemingly exploitative connections made me passive-aggressive over time. People weren’t reading my mind. It was not up to them to protect me or safeguard my interests. I needed to step in. I’ve been doing a lot of self-care work over the past few years which has helped me heal from past situations and ‘friendship trauma.’ A long winding road to get to my point. So, I am not a friend who might text with you and speak with you and meet you every day or often, but ‘snail mail’ is one way I frequently employ to express myself and keep in touch and okay, I am not sure where this is going so I’ll pick up in the next point.
• Regarding my friendship and community goals now, I hope to draw in more ‘I see you’ typa communication and connections. Because that is the way I show my care too. I like to ‘see’ people. Observe them. Affirm with them their truths and mine too. With the ones yet in my life whose Love Language is exponentially different from mine, I would like to continue living my truth with them except as this upgraded version of myself. (Side note: Lately, writing arduously long Care-letters to my old, steady friends hasn’t felt as easy as it used to be. I find it tiring to keep up with, I realise it is not possible to maintain the levels of care with age and the changing seasons.)
• Thoughts on the ‘Victim Mindset.’ I think once you come out of a tough time, you want to disempower the ‘victim’ term and dissolve your past associations with it. Very valid. I think it is necessary to accept that being a victim also means harm came your way, and you used what you could to protect yourself at the time. You were not at fault for wickedness to befall you nor were you less for being who you were with that party or person. I find that a lot of folks - myself being a prime example - we feel a sense of shame when it comes to thinking about the fact that we were once ‘with’ this person in True Spirit, platonic or otherwise. The communion was so true that being like that for Life made the most sense, so when that connection falls away or explodes apart - and not in a natural, mutual way - it can feel differently based on the parties involved, the context, the transgressions, the history with said being et cetera, et cetera. It goes on till the break of dawn, Yvonne! (My silly catchphrase to bring in levity.) My TL; DR point is that don’t let your having come in harm’s way (espec with a known person) once or twice or whatever crush you with guilt or shame. See if you can make peace with it without subjecting it to an excessively ‘passionate’ analysis. What are the facts? What was the crime? How did you feel? How are you doing now? How do you want to move, going forward? Are you extending them compassion or forgiveness because it is the mature, responsible thing to do or are you not there, yet? There are many ways to delve into this. Answers won’t be rock-solid but they will be something and with time, self-care, patience and guidance, you can navigate these waters with some grace.
• Finally - Be wary of when you fret about how you are being perceived when you are feeling unseen, unheard, on edge, lonely, irritable, or insecure. Not because you can’t trust yourself. It is just that our Brains are complex fellows. Very amazing, very cool things but yes, gullible bubs too. Sometimes, in over-intellectualisation, they may see a thing, believe it to be the absolute truth and miss the nuance at play. When the heart and mind are overworking and the body is also, it might create a scenario to help itself accustom, attune or rationalize. Which is great, ordinarily, but seldom a reliable barometer when it involves perceiving the reactions or ah, ‘seeming’ inaction or non-reactions of others as some sort of response to you ... to how you communicate, operate and show up. It is hard to master not taking every little thing personally but trying anyway and learning beautiful ways of self-regulating help immeasurably. These results will not be evident, at first, give it time. Things make sense at unbeknownst future vantage points.
• Other friendship things: Lately, I haven’t felt pressed to keep up facades within my connections. I don’t try too hard anymore or pretend I’m feeling one way when it’s the opposite. Life-in-the-Twenties overwhelm. Wisening up. There’s this peacefulness also stemming from feeling like many of my Loved buds have fallen off my radar, and me - theirs just because we are each tending to our spaces and such. A great feeling! The connection hasn’t faded or visibly terminated but there is space. Maturity. You are doing your thing, and I - mine. And when we meet again, it will be fine! On the other hand, being with me is amazing because not only has it brought on keen self-awareness, it’s helped me place value back on myself. I love me, all of me, and I play hard to be in deep attunement when it comes to what she (AKA me) needs. :-)
Love,
Roanna