In 2022, I read Sam Harris's book Free Will, not realizing how profoundly it would impact my life. The book introduced me to determinism, the idea that everything that happens is the result of prior events and natural laws, leaving no room for alternative outcomes. Initially, I struggled with this idea. It felt unsettling to think that free will might be an illusion and that my choices were not mine to make in the way I had always believed.
For months, I wrestled with the implications of determinism. I questioned my own decisions and the actions of those around me, wondering how much of what we do is genuinely within our control. It was a challenging period, filled with reflection and an uncomfortable rethinking of personal responsibility.
Then, in January of this year, my dad passed away. In my grief, I noticed something unexpected—I didn't feel the overwhelming regret that many people experience after the death of a loved one.
When someone close to us dies, we’re expected to be haunted by thoughts like, "I should have done this," or "I shouldn't have said that." These thoughts are fueled by the belief that things could have, and should have, happened differently. The determinism I had been grappling with provided me with a different perspective. I came to understand that nothing could have happened differently. Every moment leading up to my dad's passing, every interaction we had, was the inevitable result of everything that came before it.
This realization brought me a deep sense of peace. Instead of being consumed by “what ifs,” I found myself accepting the reality of the situation. I knew that my dad and I had acted according to who we were at each moment, shaped by our experiences, emotions, and circumstances. There was no alternative version of events where I made a different choice or said different words because those choices and words were never up to me in the grand scheme of things.
Determinism doesn't mean that we don't care or that our actions don't matter. Instead, it helps us see that our lives are part of a larger, intricate web of cause and effect. It helped me let go of the guilt and the endless second-guessing that often accompanies loss. Instead, I could focus on the good memories and the lessons I learned from my dad. Focusing on these positive aspects brought a sense of peace, even in the face of loss.
In the end, embracing determinism has been a source of comfort. It allowed me to approach my dad's death with acceptance, knowing that everything unfolded the way it did and it couldn't have happened any other way.
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Image created with the assistance of AI using ChatGPT.