We rarely talk about the grief of being in beautiful places that offer many benefits, but still don't fulfill us on a deep level.
I've lived on and off in Chiang Mai, Thailand for 1.5 years. The climate is perfect for me, with an affordable cost of living (sometimes), laidback culture, and some of the kindest people I've ever met.
Yet I realize this place still isn't quite the right fit. While the city is filled with expats from around the world, I don't have a solid community of Black folks to connect with.
I long for spaces that play the music I love, where I can laugh, sing, dance, and fully be myself. No code switching, no worries if I might offend anyone.
I'm torn. No one tells you what to do when your favorite places/people in the world, can no longer give you what you need. When you realize they don't have the resources to help you grow into the person you're destined to be.
I know what happens next. I'll cry. A lot. Try to bargain with myself, tell myself it's not so bad, I can deal with it. But the truth is already clear and my body won't rest until I make a change.
Adulting sucks.