I grew up in Southern California. My childhood was challenging and as an adult, while I often went back to visit family, the family dynamics-especially in times of illness or death- were hard. I went back for a 20 year high school reunion shortly after my mother died and my sister, Linda, came in for a visit. That was 1999. I went back to California in 2016, ten years ago this week, for the Coachella Desert Trip (Stones, Beatles, Dylan, The Who, Neil Young) in my old hometown of Indio. I visited some friends and had a great trip. Still, it was odd to be back. My small town was now known for the Coachella music festival! Also, not a single member of my immediate family still lived in the state. My two remaining sisters live elsewhere. It emphasized and allowed me to process the loss of family. Also, because there was no longer a familial connection to the state, I was free see California the way I visit other states on vacation. It is really beautiful place and a cool place to visit. I was emotional leaving and wrote this poem on the plane. I returned again 2019. Perhaps I will make it back again someday.
Oh, California,
Land of my birth!
I cannot look long enough,
Feel the air or breathe deep enough
To assure that I can dream of you;
Hear the waves break on shore,
See the lone palm tree against a desert mountain vista,
Feel the air of a hot October night,
Midnight in shorts and shirt sleeves.
I want to live you in my sleep
As I experience you now;
First time back in two decades.
Home! Whatever home means sans family.
Oh, California,
Land of my birth!
Golden State land of dreams,
Dreams of illusion in Hollywood
Convertibles, oranges and youth!
I and my sisters turned our backs on you;
Left land of dreams and each other.
Reality is easier to live away from a state of illusion
Where harsher realities stay hidden.
I have deliberately, consciously stayed away from California, land of my birth.
Oh, California,
Land of my birth!
Home! Whatever home means sans family.
You welcome me now,
Embrace me in comfort and familiarity.
I am relaxed, carefree, soaking in your beauty.
I was never so welcomed when home meant family.
I am home in the land of my birth.
Home is beautiful, can be now, sans family.
Hidden family secrets, challenging exchanges,
Things ignored or focused on too fully,
Situations to deal with or not to deal with…
Stress, always stress!
Oh, beautiful California,
Sans family, I can be home now.
Oh, California,
Land of my birth!
One last look at the shore,
A desert trip pic to post!
I think will see you again!
In tears, I board a plane.
I will see you before two decades.
I will return to my home,
Home sans family,
I will see you, at least, in my dreams.
Land of my birth, Oh, California!
