(December 9, 2023)
In the cold air of a December pre-dawn
The only discordant noise is a deafening silence.
I rise out of bed in high alert mode -
Something awakened me.
I sensed danger.
Out of a deep sleep,
l am fully awake,
Prepared for whatever unexpected threat awaits...
(Silence, cold, a pretty morn)
My quickened heartbeat slows.
It is simply a quiet, tranquil morning
In the season of peace and goodwill to men.
But something awakened me-
A sense of foreboding lingers.
My trauma formed sixth sense issues a warning-
DANGER -
And my trauma formed sixth sense is seldom wrong.
Dawn becomes day.
I want to bake, shop, walk in the sun,
Listen to Holiday songs.
It is a palpable feeling, an ache, a yearning
To partake in the common tasks of a season of joy,
Yet the energy for it all escapes me.
The something that awakened me cannot be vanquished.
It is within me.
It has become me.
It is a deep dread.
It is an inability to fully comprehend despite hours of the deepest meditation.
It is a crisis of faith from an agnostic.
I have lost my faith in humanity.
I try to be mindful of this one beautiful day in the season of joy.
I don't turn on the news.
I don't open my feed or my page-
Ignore the carefully curated social media contacts that have become my cultural touchstone-
I inhabit only my immediate surroundings, place, and time.
I fully taste the touch of goat cheese in my omelet.
It is my me time.
It is right now.
It is right now.
I am here right now.
I try.
I try really hard to simply be here right now.
But something awakened me-
A sense of foreboding lives within me
My trauma formed sixth sense issued a warning-
DANGER -
And my trauma formed sixth sense is seldom wrong.
Aren't we all just holding our breath till we know what's next?
Don't we all know that a season of peace and goodwill to men (and women)
Represents an especially ironic end of THIS year?
So many songs of the season about a child born and crying
Evoke other images today.
There are silent images I hear so loud.
I hear the children crying.
They are hungry, scared, injured and thirsty-
Desperately thirsty children-
Can't we just give them water?
How can THAT be antisemitic?
Yet, I have such fear,
Yet, I have such fear,
Fear of what might happen to those who are Jewish in my own country
And I fear what might happen to those who are Muslim.
I fear even what might happen to the agnostics.
I find so many things incomprehensible.
People fiercely choose sides about a war across the globe.
They seem to be so sure and, yet I find very little high moral ground on either side.
How do you choose if both sides are wrong?
Innocent children are victims.
There are enough on both sides to say both sides are wrong.
I have no confidence next year will be a better year.
A Presidential election looming only makes me feel small.
I know, despite all of this,
This is a precious time.
I do feel joy-
I have so many reasons for joy-
In unguarded, random moments I am filled with joy.
My palpable yearning and ache comes from fear I will miss out on a tranquil morning because I feel so much fear.
There's a bit of a logic loop here driving me in circles.
It is so important to truly celebrate today because of my heightened sense that...
Well, tomorrow is never assured.
Please let me be right here, right now, please.
This might be all the time I have left so it's important I am fully here for now.
Be here now.
Shouldn't I feel what I feel right now?
This morning my subconscious fears awakened me.
(I can't say woke in any context in these uncertain times)
A sense of foreboding grows stronger.
My trauma formed sixth sense screams a warning-
We are all in danger!
And my trauma formed sixth sense is not wrong.