I feel I function like a sunflower
with no Oasis on the horizon
we met twice
while French kissing at parties
slightly drunk on organic vodka
game after game
what moves a sunflower in the rain?
🌻🌻🌻
The rain has been awful for the past two days, and it shifted the mood drastically. Sometimes I feel I function like a sunflower. Currently a bit under the weather.
I'm a very busy woman in this phase of my life however, there's still someone persistently asking me to dinner. There’s also a friend who offered more than he had to give, then quietly retreated back to a life that was already his. And then there is that particular kind of love I dare not taste, knowing it could ruin one of the purest friendships. I've been pretty selfless most of my life. I believe that's a beautiful trait, the kind many lack. But even so, I am learning, it needs to be handled with a certain amount of caution.
Funny, most actors are a bit narcissistic by nature. It's hard to avoid when you spend hours deep diving into yourself. Maybe I am one of them too! Maybe I am the worst kind, one that catches you with guilt when left unsatisfied. One that waits for your moment of weakness, then dries you out until you turn into a Sahara dessert. With no Oasis on the horizon. For your sakes as much as mine, don't forget to frequently hydrate, just in case. ***add sounds of an African drumroll***
🌻🌻🌻
I wish I were screaming from the top of Avatar Mountains: hallelujah, I am in love - with life, the wind, the sea, the stage, the music, you.
Instead, I spent days under a heavy blanket covered in stars that pass out a neon shine, when lights are low. And as I rested my head in the lap of a friend on a balcony in Paris, slightly drunk on organic vodka, I found myself questioning the meaning of love and relationships, the rules of Monopoly Deal, and my fascination with the martial arts.
I occasionally download dating apps, convinced they might cure my bad days and deliver some much needed dopamine or at least a little validation. Mostly I end up matching with people I've already met, just to pass the time. Part of me could never accept falling for someone I met that way. I've never gone on a date from a dating app and hopefully never will need to. Though I'm genuinely happy for those who've had wonderful experiences there. I could not settle for anything other than what arrives unannounced, when I'm least expecting it and stays consistent throughout time.
When I was little, my grandfather taught me chess. We'd spend hours, game after game, and he passed a few of his favourite tactics onto me. He really enjoyed it, and so did I, but nowadays I'm very much out of practice. He told me I should teach him French when I visit Slovenia in the summer. He said he'd like to know a few phrases, they might come in handy. He doesn't know that the only moments I actually get to practice my French are when communicating with my landlady who speaks no English, and while French kissing at parties.
🌻🌻🌻
Classes have been intense, extremely challenging, but eye-opening. I feel like I'm learning a great deal. Mask work is becoming clearer, and we've been discovering interesting characters. Among them, I uncovered a new face, an introduction to a woman who goes by the name of Susanna. She wears bright dresses, is charismatic, and has a particular admiration for hands. Opposing this, she has a complicated relationship with her friendships. We met twice. First in a place resembling a studio, then in a souvenir shop by the beach. She had lost her passport and revealed she had no one to call for help. I believe she's on the run. But from what? Her words were clear as she spoke, though her voice wasn't quite settled yet. She seemed distressed, pulling her sleeves over her hands to manage some discomfort. It's difficult to describe something that needs to be seen and felt to be understood.
Mask work is connecting new pathways in my brain. Hopefully the season agrees, quietly rewiring something, making room for whatever comes next. Hopefully whatever comes next will brighten the room it makes with most exquisite spread of colours. But whilst the weather still remains unchanged, what moves a sunflower in the rain?
Until next time,
Patricija