No one talks about the exhausting hamster wheel of creativity.
When I was a dreamy high school writer, I thought publishing a book was the ultimate goal. That was the dream. Someday, I would see my book in bookstores, and that would be the glorious finish line. There would be nothing to do after that but enjoy my lifelong career of pleasurable writing.
It's been five years since I debuted my first book, The Five Princes. Since then, I've written four other books. I've been interviewed about my books. I've seen my books on bookshelves in South Korea. I get uplifting reader messages regularly.
But regardless of these great accomplishments, I hadn't realized how repetitive my writing career would be. Write a book. Edit a book. Edit a book again. And again. Then publish the book. Then market the book. Then write another book. Edit that book. Edit that book again. And again...
This repetition has been indescribably exhausting. No one really told me about the amount of creative stamina I would need for this cycle.
At one point, while sitting in the doctor's office, I looked up from the book I was reading and thought, I don’t want to write anymore.
And this thought comes back again and again, over and over, digging into my bones.
But is it really true?
Because last year, I wrote over 142,000 words between May and December. I finished writing a novella just four weeks ago. I started a new novella the same day I finished the previous one.
So it seems that thoughts are not truth. They are just thoughts. Sometimes they feel like truth because they penetrate your entire being, but, at the end of it all, truth is not a feeling. Truth exists beyond feelings.
If I didn't want to write anymore, I wouldn't have written nearly 600 pages of fiction last year. I wouldn't have three writing projects opened on my computer right now. I wouldn't be looking into PhD programs for creative writing so I can teach writing professionally in universities.
The truth is that I love writing and storytelling, and I can't function without those things. But another important truth is that creative work is draining, exhausting, and repetitive.
So what is the solution?
Rest. Recharge. Take short breaks. Take long breaks. Go travel. Go fall in love. Read books. Don't read books and go to plays instead. Learn an instrument. Exercise. Meet new people and make everlasting friendships and community. In other words, go live.
I'm realizing that when I make writing my life, it drains me of it. When I make writing a reflection or accessory to my life, that repetitive sting isn't so bad. The artist is not alive to create, and does not create to live, but simply creates because they are alive.
So it turns out these thoughts of giving up are just a warning sign of creative exhaustion. They are a signal that it's time to rest and recharge my creative stamina for as long as it needs. I may miss a few deadlines. I may not publish a book this year, perhaps. But I'm encouraged by the evidence that my thoughts of giving up are just thoughts, and not my soul's true intention.
So if you think that you, too, don't want to write anymore, don't be discouraged. The truth will reveal itself in time, and your thoughts won't be so heavy once it does.
Have you ever wanted to give up on your craft before? What kept you going? Let me know in the comments below.
Visit my Youtube channel at youtube.com/@otomeauthor for more video content on storytelling and fiction writing with the use of video games.
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