My dear art family,
I hope you are well and thriving ❤️
It feels like forever since I last wrote and SO much has happened since my last update in March. I have missed you.
Thanks to your generosity, Leap of Faith was framed, shipped and exhibited in Dubai. It is currently stuck in the postal service in South Africa on its way back to me, and I’m patiently trying to track it down 😥. I kind of know how it feels…..lost in the post.
There were a lot of things happening last year that I didn’t share with you. I think I was either too ashamed or too proud to admit that I was struggling as much as I was. I will fill you in on some of them toward the end of this post. But let’s do the good news first…
SOME RECENT WORK
I have largely been too ill to work or create art over the past few months, aside from one or two small pieces this year. I miss it terribly. These are a couple of the pieces I have made when I’ve had the energy 😊 
They are (Lto R): Ocean Bliss (a birthday card for my mother), Life Outside Time, and A Serenade for 52 Blue
The last one was made for a real whale:
There is a whale of indeterminate species, which sings into the vastness of the ocean at a frequency of 52hz. Its song goes unheard by other whales, as it is a much higher note than those sent and received by other whales. It has never been answered. It is known as the 52hz whale, 52 blue or more fittingly, as the world's loneliest whale. I have always been deeply moved by its plight. I guess I know how it feels sometimes. I'm sure we all do.)
THE FULL DRESDEN DOLLS COLLECTION RELEASED
As I mentioned in my last post, I was beyond honoured to be selected last year to design the tour posters for the Dresden Dolls 2023 tour, and Amanda Palmer’s solo tour.
There are 10 premium limited-edition prints of these artworks available in my store. The original artwork is also for sale – you can see the IN UNISON collection on my website.
Here are all the artworks plus the posters the band created from them:
NOTE: The prints and originals I am selling are the original artworks, not of the stunning poster designs and merchandise, created by the very talented Andrew Nelson ,that the band will be selling, which are available here).
Here are some shots of the awesome merch the band created:
THE TURNING WHEEL
They say the only 2 things we can reliably predict are death and taxes, and that saying has never been truer for me than it is now.
I’m sorry that I don’t have anything more cheerful or uplifting to tell you – life is being life, which means that the wheel has turned, and things are not too great right now.
THE THINGS I SHOULD HAVE SHARED...
This time last year, I found my freedom from an abusive relationship that had left me so depersonalised and traumatised I hardly knew my own name. I was suffering severe PTSD, in constant physical pain and effectively financially drained.
To summarise: I have been ill for over a year now, and due to a series of events I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, I have gotten a lot worse, and am facing a genuinely scary and unpredictable future.
I contracted Covid for the second time in February 2022. By July, I could hardly walk due to a spinal condition which had been worsening since 2021. I suffer from severe depression which resurfaced and has steadily worsened over the course of the last year, accompanied by CPTSD, retriggered by the abuse.
Despite everything, and ultimately to my detriment, I showed up for work every day, and in the evenings, I made art. I kept pushing. I'm a heart-led being raised by stoics. I didn’t ask for help. We never did.
Panic attacks were incessant, depression and anxiety were my constant companions, and insomnia was inescapable, as the music from the nightclub across the road rattled my windows and burrowed into my madness. When I did find sleep, the jarring sounds of the city at night often woke me, and I lay frozen, terrified, and struggling to breathe.
My psychologist and psychiatrist urged me to apply for temporary disability. They could see what was coming. My thoughts became more disordered and confused, my work began to suffer. Suicide crossed my mind frequently. But not letting people down was a more persistent obsession. I pushed myself for months. I pushed too far for too long. Until I broke.
By October, I couldn't push any more. Aside from depression and anxiety, the brain fog and fatigue, cognition, concentration and memory issues made it impossible for me to do my job. I was in persistent pain, suffering severe agoraphobia and in a constant and confused state of fight-or flight. I was struggling to care for myself in even the most basic ways. The only relief I had from the scream inside, was art, which became harder and harder to make.
HELP ON THE HORIZON
In January this year, my medical benefits renewed, and I was finally able to check into a mental-health clinic. It was the first time I had felt SAFE in 2 years. It was like drinking a magic potion. I felt life flowing back into me as my diet improved and I had round-the-clock care.
When my hospital days ran out, my only choice was to move in with family. It weighed so heavily on my heart that my 84-year-old parents were having to care for me when, if life was in any way fair, it would be me caring for them, easing their burden and not adding to it. It still breaks my heart every day.
Shortly after leaving the respite and safety of the clinic, I caught a virus, which I just couldn’t shake. In addition to the fatigue, body-aches, brain-fog and a laundry-list of symptoms I won’t bore you with, I was nauseous and dizzy from morning till night. My search for answers continued and it was not an easy one.
It is a sad reality that there are a lot of doctors who know little to nothing about Long Covid. Doctors who turn people away because they can’t figure out the problem, because they didn’t know what tests to run. Doctors who resort to telling patients “It’s all in your head”.
That happened to me 4 times. I KNEW my body was sick. I KNEW something was wrong, and to have qualified medical professionals tell me over and over that the tests were negative, and nothing was wrong with me, made my self-critic jump into top gear, point the finger and convince myself I was imagining everything to avoid my duties and commitments. It was the most dispiriting experience I can describe.
AND THIS IS NOW…
After many false starts, incorrect diagnoses, and a sprinkling of medical gaslighting, my psychiatrist and some good friends who are suffering from chronic illness and Long Covid, pointed me in the right direction.
I am beyond grateful that I now have a good team of doctors and specialists on my side and a rainbow Smartie-box of medication to take daily. Everything I do has to be carefully planned and balanced against limited energy reserves. I have 2-4 medical appointments a week and strict instructions about diet, movement, pacing, routine, and goals.
My diagnosis so far is this: Treatment-resistant Depression, CPTSD, Long Covid (or Post-Covid Syndrome), Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis.
Most days I live in a world of sadness, anxiety, brain-fog and body ache, where there’s no predicting whether I will be able to function tomorrow, or whether it will be another day in bed. Making plans is a thing of the past. One in every 5 or 10 days is a GOOD day…. good days give me hope and keep me going ❤️
I miss my work, my colleagues, my friends, I miss art, and I miss how easy life used to seem. I miss predictability and being able to make plans. I miss being me.
My problem is that like every other foolish human, I assumed I had time. We all do. I have no idea how I will survive this: physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually.
Everything is uncertain and has been for what seems like forever. I have been waiting over 6 months for news on whether I qualify for disability, and there’s no end in sight. The uncertainty…about my future, my job, my finances, my prognosis… may be the hardest thing I have had to endure so far. I’m more afraid and depressed than I can really describe.
WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?
The medical costs associated with Long Covid are overwhelming, I find myself in a challenging situation, unable to bear the financial burden alone. You may have noticed that I’ve had to change my fundraising page quite substantially. I promise you that I will fight with every fibre of my being to make it into an art page again one day.
I am currently not able to earn a living, many of the medical treatments I need are not covered by medical insurance, and are not inexpensive, and my family are not able to support me financially.
Best case: If I DO qualify for disability, it may cover my living expenses and medical insurance, but it won’t cover most of my medical treatments, doctor’s bills or medications. Without those, I’m not sure what the future will hold. I avoid thinking about it.
Worst case: If disability insurance is declined…I avoid thinking about that too.
So I am closing my eyes and reaching out again, to anyone who may be able to help in any way, to simply and honestly appeal for support to help me cover my Long Covid medical costs, and access the medical interventions, therapies, and consultations that will help in my journey towards healing and regaining my functionality.
To all of you have already given so open-heartedly, PLEASE don’t feel obliged to donate any further – you have been too generous already. IF, and only if, you feel comfortable doing so, please consider sharing this page with your networks ❤️. The link is: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/nikimcqueen
My sincere thanks to you for taking the time to read this.
I miss you all, and come hell or high water, I will beat this thing and come back stronger than ever! 💪
As ever… please feel free to message me, I love hearing from you. (Brain-fog disclaimer: if I take a little longer to respond than usual, please forgive me. 🌞)
With best wishes, love and heartfelt gratitude,
Niki 🌻
AN IMPORTANT FYI:
Aside from the over 200 Long Covid symptoms identified so far, the people studying this condition have reiterated there are NO definitive tests to identify it. There are statistics that suggest you have a 1 in 5 chance of developing it if you have had Covid. Millions of people out there are suffering. I’M NOT SPECIAL.
There are foundations raising funds for research on a larger scale. Please message me if you would like to donate to them, or if you would like any further information on Long Covid. x
Note: I believe transparency is very important and will make expense records available on request.