Libra season is all about balance. I realized when I started this month, I wanted to focus on balance of light and dark, but we will go deeper into the shadow work next month with Scorpio- who lives in the depths.
I want to bring it back to justice, harmony, peace, because that's what Libra is about; especially within relationships, whether we're talking about family, friends, partners, co-workers, or animals.
Here's my first question to you:
How do you define a friend?
Really sit with this for a moment before reading on. What does it mean to be a friend and to have a friend?
This is a tough question and something I've been sitting with a LOT this year as I was working on the guest list for our wedding. How do we define friendship, how deep do you have to go? How deep to you want to go?
Over the past year of really thinking about this I've come up with a lot of different ideas. I think there are different levels of friendship, ones that have remained because of the past, some that are available because of the present situation, and some that are deeply interwoven into your life for things beyond proximity and situation.
I think I have a lot of friends, good people in my life I can call on in a time of need, to do fun things with, to have a laugh with, but how many of those friendships can you maintain with full integrity and depth? Not many.
So maybe those friends need a category of their own, so that they don't feel less important, but that I know I don't need to put in the same energy with everyone. Do you know this feeling? Do you have childhood friends that when you see them it's like you've picked up where you left off even if that was 5 years ago and you haven't spoken much in between? Or do you have friends in your area that you see all of the time but maybe if you were to move away the connection would be lost?
Are there friendships you have that drain you? That you leave with less energy because all they did was complain about their lives, didn't ask you anything about yourself, or even do you have friend that takes advantage of you or you are intimidated by, or maybe they are only staying surface level and telling you what you want to hear? Is that a friend?
I want to look at that last piece because I can say that I myself have been a people-pleaser in the past, still working on it for sure, but I know that it has caused big issues in my friendships but also in other areas of my life.
I have been sucked into narcissistic relationships a couple of times now and last year I was able to see those same traits in other people and was able to leave before it got bad (twice!)
People-pleasing is the act of chronically prioritizing others' needs, wants, or feelings at the expense of, or to the detriment of, our own needs, wants, or feelings. It often is about trying to guess or assume what others need, and it can be untruthful.
There is dishonesty coming from someone who thinks they are trying to only do what's "good." This is harmful to both the person doing the pleasing and the person being pleased because real relationships are based in honesty and trust.
And I can tell you from personal experience that trying to balance multiple people's needs and assumed wants is exhausting and usually ended in chaos, the exact opposite of my intention.
"Imagine what it’s like being on the other side of a people-pleasing relationship. When you spend a lot of time with someone who doesn’t talk about what they want and need, it’s hard to trust them because you don’t know if they’re saying what they actually think or what they think you want to hear.
When repeated too often, people pleasing ruins relationships because it’s a misguided lie. It’s assuming you know what other people want and lying by omission or directly lying.
When you find yourself trying to please people, take a moment, and ask yourself if you really know what that person wants or if you are assuming. And ask yourself if this is the first time you hid something about yourself in this relationship or the hundredth. Little lies are a necessary evil, but how many lies can a relationship tolerate? Be careful of people pleasing because it misleads the people you care about and stops them from getting to know you." - Psychology Today
Most of the time, people pleasers are seeking harmony and peace and will do whatever to avoid confrontation even if that means suffering on their own accord. But that's not healthy. That's not good for either person in the relationship; oftentimes, people pleasers are attracted to people with narcissistic traits. This may be for many reasons like trauma patterns, or even that the person holds traits that they wish they had because they are quiet and insecure and the person is confident, loud, and seemingly admired by others.
It's not easy to get out of these types of relationships because often there is a bond formed that is deep and the pleaser is scared to say anything or leave.
This type of relationship can happen in lovers, employers, and friends.
Check the scales of your relationships- including your animals!
For example, if you have a partner, check in with the things that you both bring to the relationship whether physically or emotionally.
Are there imbalances?
Can you feel what an imbalance means?
Check in on your daily tasks, your emotional reciprocity, and anything else that feels important to you.
If there are big imbalances, make note of that and maybe start a conversation with them. If you're nervous to bring anything like that up, then maybe you need to look deeper into your relationship pillars and ask yourself some hard questions. Because speaking with your partners, friends, employers if the relationship is based on equanimity and fairness, a conversation should be just that- a conversation, not a confrontation.
What do you value in a relationship?
We've spoken about values in horsemanship months ago, and values should be across the board, they are the core pillars to your being and how you relate to the world in integrity.
This is what I shared in Courageous Horsemanship back in May:
RESPECT and honor their bodies and sentience (this includes respecting their "no"- please note that it should be obvious that if there is emergencies or medical or safety reasons, of course it is not always the safest option to do this, that we must have discernment)
Building true TRUST, by showing up consistently and not projecting my personal feelings onto them
CONGRUENCY of my emotions and body language
INTEGRITY, again back to the trust piece, this is so that not only the horses feel that I listen to them, but that other people can witness that I stand true to what I say I believe in.
Keeping an OPEN MIND and ACCEPTANCE for who they are, that horses can change day to day, that I will meet them where they are
EMPATHY and COMPASSION this goes for animals and humans, that I understand we are all on our own journeys and that we only know what we know, to have compassion for the humans that don't know a different way yet, because I was there not that long ago
HUMILITY and GRACE in my own growth with horses, that I know I don't know everything, and the more that I learn, the more that I listen to them, the more wisdom and knowledge I absorb, but knowing that the learning never ends, we must be humble in our journeys and not let our egos get in the way
I would add a few more here now too:
- Honesty, Love, Joy
I would say that these all relate directly to our human relationships as well and I'm sure you have other values to to add to it for yourself.
Can you move through life holding onto your values, when you're in alignment and integrity, you will see the truth about other people as well. This can be both liberating and scary.
A friend is someone who can hold your hand in the darkness and say "I'm here with you." Someone who is your equal, you can be honest with and expect honesty from, someone who you can have fun with and laugh, but also dive into the depths together. They may not fully understand every aspect of you but they embrace and love you for who you are and who you will become.
Journal Prompts:
What does being or having a friend mean to you? [Write a list of categories of friends, who falls in each?]
Check the scales of your relationships- check in on your daily tasks, your emotional reciprocity, and anything else that feels important to you. Does anything need to shift?
Write out your CORE VALUES in general. Can you see how they are or are not present in your relationships?