I’m done. Not with art. Not with creating. Just with trying to monetize the art.
I let my seller’s license lapse because I wasn’t making enough sales to warrant it.
I had to let yet another show pass me by because non-art life intervened. It was an ideal show: ocean themed like most of my work, local, with plenty of time to get ready and arrange transportation. A sudden trip to the ER combined with septic tank that needs replacing NOW said all that prep wasn’t going to help. Logistics communication with gallery wouldn’t happen and paintings were not going to get dropped off.
I think that’s what did it really. What should’ve been a slam dunk and playing right into my strengths was taken out of my hands last minute.
The past few years haven’t been about living life. They’ve been about finding out what’s going on with our bodies and brains that is getting in our way our GOING to get in our way. Diagnosis after diagnosis. Medical appointment after medical appointment.
Yes, there have been positives. Plenty, really. Knowing I’m not lying to myself when I say “I’m trying my hardest and it’s just not enough.” is a relief and has helped each of us see ourselves in a better light.
There are big ones:
•I have had multiple doctors and test tell me that the world around me has been wrong for most of my life- my gut instinct IS trustworthy.
•I am NOT a hypochondriac- there really IS that much wrong with me.
•I’m not exaggerating how much that hurts or fatigues me- my body is doing a ton more work internally just to survive than anyone knew so the external is the straw that broke the camel’s back a LOT.
•I AM very intelligent and knowledgeable- I just articulate and show it in ways others don’t recognize as easily.
..and little ones:
•that actually SHOULDN’T hurt.
•a med CAN do that to you when it doesn’t do it to others
•there’s more than one logical method to everything. Yours looks different but has just as much evidence based decision making behind it so it’s still logical.
“That’s all well and good but what does all this rambling mean to the art part of your life?” Fair question.
I’m done trying to do gallery shows. I’m done trying to do anything marketing-wise. I will keep creating art when my heart and body allow and will share it on socials. It will then go on my wall or a display easel for a bit, then go in storage with the rest of my backlog. The “shifting gears” will be me going into it ACCEPTING that this will be the outcome. Accepting that, at the end of the day, it will be in a drawer, a storage bin, or a portfolio and that knowing that does not change the value of the creation or the creative process- a mental shift that is hard in a society that has taught me my entire life that it only has value if others value it.