"Old age will ask what youth did."
The first class was like any other, but the teacher didn't like me and immediately sent me to the principal's office. And while I was walking towards that stupid office, I saw my pedagogue, and she just pulled me aside and took me to her cabinet. She looked worried. I was telling her I needed to go to the principal's office, but she just said, "That can wait!"
She sat me on her sofa and started to look at me like I was from Mercury. I was not comfortable. But she said to calm down, that she just wanted to talk to me.
She was a super cool woman, one of the few who really cared about me, and she would always do everything for me, not to get me expelled from my current school, because she saw my intellect and my point of view on life.
"Mia, we were so worried about you."
"Were you? And why? I'm OK. I came to school three weeks later. Not like something special was done when I was gone."
"Of course not, we are still remembering last year's knowledge, so you didn't miss anything that big, just a math test."
"Great! I can take the test this week if you'd like. But, what about my not attending for that long?"
"Yeah, that could be a problem, but your P.A. teacher said that you are the most appreciated player for our school team spirit in basketball, handball, and athletics."
"I guess...I mean, I know I am, but what does that have to do with anything?"
"She wants you to play for school next weekend. Some big competition is coming."
"OK, I will, but if you do something about my missed hours of school."
"It's a deal, I will do that for you, I promise (and she really did)."
"Cool, well, I need to go to the principal's office..." Started to stand up.
"Stop right here, I will handle that too, come sit, talk to me. Where were you? What were you doing? Are you alright? Is everything OK back home?"
I couldn't say to her that I am on the streets and sleeping at my friend's place to avoid crazy MF. I couldn't tell her about my drug abuse and my deal with the Boss today....I couldn't say anything to her, so I just went silent (she hated that).
She was trying hard to pull some words out of me, but she didn't know that the best people taught me how to deal with those kinds of situations. Keep your mouth shut, and that's it. Waiting for the bell to ring. What else.
"So, you really will make my missing hours disappear from my records if I played some sport for school?"
"Yeah, I will. But, not just one sport, all three of them!"
Fuck it. All my weekend would be ruined because of those stupid sports games. I hated that, but what else could I do? I needed to do it. I knew if I fulfilled my part of the arrangement, she would with hers.
"Oh, ok, cool, cool!"
"I know, you are going to be the best."
Maybe, like years ago, I was already destroyed. My veins were destroyed, my strength was awful, and my condition was destroyed. But I knew I had to survive that BS if I wanted to be free and have my missing hours of school erased.
"So, can I go now? Do I really have to go to the principal's office? I like to go to my next class and forget everything."
"Yes, you can go to your next class. I will deal with the principal, don't worry, just be prepared for those games, OK?"
"OK! I promise, I will. Thank you very much."
"Did you use something before you came to school? You know what I am talking about?"
"Oh, you mean addictive stuff? No, I'm clean as a whistle."
"Yeah, yeah, you are."
She looked at me with that look, a mixture of worry and anger. She knew I was lying, but she just let me go.
"Mia, please, take care of yourself. I would love to talk to your mother or father."
"Sorry, they are very busy. Father is in South Africa nd mother is working all the time. They can't come these days, but I will talk to them. Or, can I call my uncle? You can talk to him."
"You mean Igor?"
"Yeah."
"Hmmm....maybe, ask him and get back to me, OK?"
"Of course I will."
Igor was pretending to be my uncle, and he often went to my school to talk to my teachers, pedagogues, principals, and psychologists. We had an agreement, and he will always come. Right now, he is not in Zagreb. He was in Pazin, trying to get himself clean in the commune. But he comes to Zagreb every month, and he will be in Zagreb for about three weeks from now. I prayed to God for him to come to resolve this situation.
School was like school is. Some subjects went well. Teachers gave me papers on what to learn, and some of them threatened me to do everything to expel me yet again. I didn't care. I was silent, listening, writing material, and talking to a few cool people. They couldn't wait to ask me to get them some stuff for this and that. I made a few deals (more money, yeeey) and told them that I need to talk to some people and not to worry. They knew they would get what they wanted, so that was cool.
All those kids from wealthy families were the best customers and easy to manipulate if needed. I was the master of my trade.
I couldn't wait for stupid school to be over. Someone called me to grab some beer. Told them, not today, I have a meeting, but tomorrow it is. My P.A. teacher hugged me and was thrilled to see me.
"Oh, thank goodness you are here. We have competitions, and we need you. Dana (pedagogue) told that you will participate."
"Nice to see you to teach, of course I will come, we have to whoop some ass."
I smiled, and she joined me. She was really great. She would always give me an A at the beginning of the school year for the year ahead. The only thing I had to do was play all those sports. But I loved that, and if I weren't what I was, a criminal and a junkie, I would be a sports star. But the call of the vices was too strong. What can I say?
Finally, the day was over. It was 8 p.m., and it was already dark like it was 10 p.m. or something. I told my friend that I will call him when I finish my business with the boss. It was cold, rainy, not the best weather, and I was happy that I didn't have to be in the squat now, because it was cold and watery, and I hated that.
But sometimes, you have to sleep in a cold, wet squat. That was the life I chose, and I couldn't accuse anyone of that. My life, my problems. I was prepared to be dead every day, and I was fine with that. I lived 100 per hour, and it was awesome. Sex, drugs, and punk. Anarchy! No future! Good people around me, cute guys, and lots of drugs. I had everything I wanted, and the money was excellent. If only I could live like that today.
Today, I'm always broke, hungry, in crisis if I don't have my therapy, tired, and everything hurts. Always with past due bills, without a career or future.
When my husband was alive, I could manage; we both worked, we didn't have problems with money. My late father was always there for us because he couldn't forgive himself for what he did to me, so he was our best friend throughout my partnership with Orlando. And they were the best friend. I had a great life, and I was happy. I was always with my father and my husband, and we had so many adventures that I remember them like they were yesterday. If you could see me now, you would see that I am smiling, crying, and remembering all that, and maybe I will write about some of our adventures in future chapters. But now we are in my second year of high school, and I failed last year, so I am a sophomore again.
The stupidity of my failing a class was that I failed with just three F's, and I could have passed it, but festivals were calling me. Life on the edge and life with active addiction. It was hell, but then I was OK with it. As I said, I lived the way I wanted and didn't listen to anyone. Is that a curse or not? I don't know.
They were always telling Igor that I am smart. Thinking out of the box, but I have problems with the authorities. Still do. The only thing I need is to dedicate more to my learning and writing homework. Talk more in class, ask questions, and always be prepared. I was prepared, but for other stuff. Once a misfit, always a misfit, that's me.
Anarchy in the city of Zagreb was I. Everybody knows that, and I still hear stories about some crazy girl in the early 2000s. Girl with a pink mohawk and dreadlocks.
Memorable dress code: boots, leather jacket, slim jeans with staples all over, spiked choker, and bracelets. Sometimes in a corset and platform boots, depending on the day. I still dress like that, and I really don't care. I see people looking at me on the tram, bus, or when walking. You can't miss me, but you won't see me if I want to.
So, I was about to go to the boss, and in front of school, guess what? ilija! Of course! I was expecting him to come. I was not thrilled to see him, but he was excited to see me.
"Doll, finally! You are here!"
He and Scarface were in front of my school, and everybody was watching like it was some soap opera or something.
"Ilija. Well, well, it's you. What a surprise."
I pretended like I wasn't expecting him, but I knew he would come. He came to me, hugged me, and kissed me.
"You are alive, thank God. I was so worried. What a hell doll? What were you thinking?"
He was mad, but he stayed calm with that military attitude. He looked nice, I won't lie. He was always handsome, MF.
"Of course I'm alive. I know that you are dreaming of choking me and killing me."
"Doll, come on. Don't be silly. I will never do that to you."
He grabbed my hand tightly.
"So, where are you going?"
"I need to talk to the boss to give me money, and then I can't, I need to go home."
"Home?! Don't lie to me, you think that dirty squat?"
"OK! Yes! I am tired and haven't slept for days. I was traveling, I'm barely standing."
"Yeah, right. Your junkie ass is going with me tonight to the club, there's a good gig we have to see."
"No, Ilija, I am going to give money to the boss and then go to sleep. I have tons of homework and learning and stuff."
I was trying so hard to escape his appearance. I didn't want to go anywhere with him.
"Bullshit, you were parting all the summer, you missed a month of school, what can one little gig do. You are a strong woman; you can handle it. And yes, what did they tell you in school? Are you expelled yet again?"
"No, I am not. I need to attend sports competitions this weekend, and they will forgive me for my absence from school. I know that you'll be thrilled if they expelled me; you can't nag me."
"Me, nagging you? Never! Don't be silly. Come on, doll, let's give that money to the boss, and then we are going to that gig."
He took my hand like a boyfriend, kissed me on the cheek, and started to walk to the nearby tram station.
I was walking with them, holding Ilija's hand. I was in trouble, big trouble. He will not let me be, not for a million years. I had to go to that gig, and I need to go with him. There was nothing I could do. I could start running and escape from them, but then I know they will catch me. He was still faster and stronger than I.
"So doll, how's Marko and that junkie from Split? Did you call them and tell them where you are?"
"Don't pretend you care. That is not your problem; they are my friends, and you don't have the right to talk about them either."
"OK! OK! I know, they are your 'special friends' with whom you are cheating on me. It's OK, I forgive you. I had a few one-night stands. You are not a jealous type, just like I am not. The most important thing now is that you are back to me, doll."
Scarface was walking near us and laughing. All that little show of Ilija was funny to him.
"What are you laughing about, jerk?"
He growled at him and slapped him over the head.
"Show some manners. You are with my lady, don't be a jerk."
"OK! OK! Sorry, my bad. Excuse me, please, Mia."
"It's OK. Don't worry!"
I told him, I saw that he was looking at me like he wanted to save me, but he couldn't do anything. Not when this crazy MF was near. I developed a great friendship with him in secret, and he told me that he doesn't like the way Ilija is treating me, but he can't do anything because he is crazy, and he doesn't want to get killed or badly beaten. He was a decent guy. Sometimes he even helped me, didn't tell Ilija that he saw me. We would drink some beer and talk a little. Sometimes, he even stays with my friends and has a great time. Ilija didn't know that.
"So, doll, where are you sleeping? I hope you are not in that dirty squat, it's starting to be cold outside, so I will be a perfect gentleman and take you to my place, OK?"
"No need, I'm home now, my father is away, I can sleep at home."
"Really? Oh, that's great. Need to be with your family. I am happy for you."
I was lying, of course, but I really didn't want to go to his place because that meant jail to me. I couldn't do anything without him, and he was always around me. His family already calls me their daughter-in-law, and they adore me. I like them too, but he was just too much for me. His possessive and narcissistic behavior was something I couldn't stand. Not even for a minute.
"My mother would be thrilled to see you. She is always asking about her 'daughter-in-law. Too bad that you are home, but your father will be home soon, and the weather will be even worse, then you can come with me, OK?"
"OK!"
I couldn't say no to him because he would have his 'blackouts' and that won't be pleasant. So, I needed to play this one smart. Agreeing with him and pretending like a 'good wife' or something. I really hated that.
We were close to the boss. He took me to him. They were 'besties,' and he could do whatever he wanted with his blessing.
I was a little scared. Why, if there is not enough money? What if something is not right? What if I made a mistake I didn't know? I could have ended pretty badly. Not even Ilija could save me if the boss loses his temper. I was really, really scared. That guy was not normal, just like Ilija, and I really was scared of him. But I think I did everything just the way he wanted, and I was hoping I was right.
We step into the building where that guy lives. I was there hundreds of times. He will always have crazy parties with lots of drugs, drinks, and girls to entertain others. He was an authority, and everybody was scared of him, and he knew that and enjoyed it too. He was one crazy MF, just like Ilija was. Psychopathic tendencies and mood swings because of all the coke he was using. He would sometimes become totally paranoid, and then everyone of us would be in trouble. I was hoping that he was in a good mood. Didn't want any drama. Not today.
"Here we are, doll. Come with me. You, jerk, stay outside the door and call if something suspicious happens. Come, come, doll. He is waiting for you. I hope you are not scared. Don't worry, I am here, and if something is missing, I will pay, OK?"
He looks at me, giving orders and saying hello to people in the apartment.
The boss was in the living room, watching a football game. We step inside, and he turns his head towards us.
"Oh, isn't that my dear Dejža. Come, dear, hug your uncle. I miss you and your crazy attitude."
I came to him, hugged him, and he touched my ass, like always. Hated that, but if I were to say something, that won't be nice and innocent. Who knows what that crazy MF will do? I let him touch my ass. Ilija was angry, I could feel it, so I smiled a little.
"HI! Long time no see, boss. How are you doing?"
"Fine, I am fine, but surrounded by idiots, you know. Had to teach someone a lesson in the morning. But don't you worry, little one. I think you have something that belongs to me. I heard you were dealing like crazy all over the coast. Good for you. If half of those idiots are like you, I would be the king of the world."
"Yes. I have money. Did you get all the other money that I sent you?"
"O, yes, yes. Congrats! You really are like a machine, I couldn't believe."
"Thank you. I did my best. I could be even more productive if only I had time."
I started talking to him like a true businesswoman that I was.
"Here, boss. That's the rest of it."
"Is everything here? Don't lie. If it's not, we can always make some deal."
His deal was to be with him in bed whenever he wants. Another psychopath in my life. I didn't want that.
Not in a million years. He was OK, not that good-looking, but had some charisma. And I saw girls with whom he was, uh, I don't need that. He was a sadomasochistic freak, and I didn't want to become his latest victim. That was a situation not even Ilija could save me.
He took the money and started to count. He counted three times. Thank goodness everything was there, even more than he was expecting. He was happy, very happy. I could see that on his face.
"Girl, you are my savior, you bring me even more than I expected. How on Earth did you accomplish that? Did you have some help or something?"
"No, I did not. I worked hard and was totally dedicated to selling as much as I could. I was at places where demand was high. I went to festivals, parties, and was in Split for a long time."
He came near me, hugged me again, grabbed my ass, and kissed my cheek. He was happy and excited.
"Girl, you are my savior. I am not ashamed to say that. See you, idiots, on how work is done. She is not like you monkeys. You should look at her as a role model of selling and dealing. Idiots!"
He took my hand and brought me to his coffee table. Some coke and heroin were there, 6 or 7 lines. I knew that stuff was excellent, and I knew I wanted to dig into it.
Ilija was furious, out of his mind. He didn't like that at all. He was against me and drugs.
"Hmm...we need to go, you know, my friend. There is a gig we are super excited to go to. We called some friends and don't want them to wait too long for us. Is that right, doll?"
"Yes, it is, but I need to talk to the boss, I need to tell him something important. They can wait."
I did that on purpose. I want to humiliate him so bad. But, most of all, I want to fix myself with some of this stuff I was looking at. He was furious, but he couldn't do anything. Boss loved me, and now he loved me even more; I could sense it.
"Yes, don't be a 'party popper', Ilija. Go outside to your friend. I need to talk to her in private."
Ilija was not happy about it. He wanted to stay and hear what that important thing was that we needed to talk about. He knew I was attracted to those drugs on that table, and that made him so angry.
"No, I can wait here. Our friends could wait too. Come on, talk about what you need to."
"Boy, you are getting on my nerves. If I said I need to talk to her in private, I need to talk to her in private. Go there with Medo. When new weapons come, you are the expert. Go and see what we can sell. You know, I have a business to run. Go! Go! Boy, don't get on my nerves."
Ilija was furious; he looked at me with 'don't you dare look', I could see it in his eyes. He stood there for a few more seconds and then went with Medo.
"Doll, I will come back here fast. We need to go. Do you understand?"
He said that with his angry voice. I knew he would be nagging me all the way to the club and even more. But I was happy he was leaving.
"OK! Don't worry, I am coming with you to that gig. I promise that to you, and I will keep my promise. Don't worry about me. See you in a few minutes."
"OK!"
He stormed out like he had rabies. The apartment with weapons was three buildings further, so I had time to fix myself.
"Man, your boyfriend is sometimes such a pain in the ass, ha ha! Come, come. This stuff is first class, and you need to try it."
The boss knew about my addiction, which was his ace in the sleeve to control me in some weird way. He knew I was an active addict.
"This just came today by ship, look at it. It's from Thailand. And you know how that stuff is good. Look at those pretty colors, look."
"Man, that sure is first-class stuff."
"Well, don't just stay there. Come and get some. Do you have your tools? If you don't, Miki could bring you new ones, you know we always have that."
"Oh, I have my tools, don't you worry, but I would like a clean spoon. Mine needed to be washed."
I had a spoon: old, dirty, and not in its best shape. I needed to get home or ask my friend for a new one. This spoon was traveling too many kilometers.
The boss looked at my spoon and said:
"No, No. My best seller needs the prettiest one. Miki, put that in the trash. You don't have, like, a sentimental connection to it or something?"
"No, I don't. He can throw it."
I found that spoon in some abandoned building when I was looking for something for my room in a squat. I don't even know the history of that spoon, and I really didn't care.
"Good! Smart girl."
In a few seconds, Miki came and gave me the new one. It was already bent, but shiny.
"Here, that's a gift." The boss said
"Thank you!"
I took the spoon. Everything I needed from my hunting bag, the boss handed me the stuff, and in a second, I was already cooking it. Couldn't wait to put that in me, but I was in a hurry because of the Ilija.
Soon, the wonderful liquid was cooked, and my needle was ready. I took my dosage. I lifted my sleeve and started searching for the vein. It was a little harder than usual because I was parting too much this summer, and the vein felt it. But I managed to find one on my palm. The one that Ilija won't see because I knew he would look at my hands.
In a few seconds, poison was running through my veins. The stuff was great, excellent, first class. I was so wasted that I leaned on the comfy sofa. The boss looked at me and smiled.
"How is it? It's a little stronger than usual stuff, but it's heavenly, isn't it?"
"OH yes, great stuff. So great. Thank you!"
I barely managed to talk, but I had too much experience with that stuff that I just went with the flow.
"Great, great! I am glad you like it. You deserve it!"
He was smiling and looking at me, my eyes were not my eyes, my mind was somewhere between reality and fantasy. I felt great, I felt like I was on another planet or something.
We sat for a few more minutes, I think half an hour has passed. Then he turned to me and said:
"Your boyfriend will be here soon. Put all your gear back in your bag. Because you did such a great job this summer, this is for you."
He gave me a bag with 10 little packages inside. I took it and put it in my special place on a sleeve that Ilija didn't know about. Something I learned in scout meetings. It was a lesson on how to hide a secret message that no one can find except you.
"Smart girl. Man, in a few years, you could be at my place. But for now, I am giving you the west side of Zagreb. You can sell there as much as you want, and I will send no one with you because you showed me how great you are. Fearless, crazy, and a great seller. You can make deals with a few more of my contacts. Here are their numbers and names. I will call them and say you can get whatever you want. Don't you worry. Congrats, you are promoted. You are not just an errant girl anymore; you got your territory. You are your own boss now, but still answering to me, OK?"
I couldn't believe what just happened. I was a little more wasted, but I did understand what he was saying. I was so happy that I could jump out of my skin if I could.
"Thank you for your opportunity! I won't let you down."
"I know, kiddo. So, you said you have to say something to me. What is it?"
So, I started talking about Marko's stuff, and I told him that in three months he will come to Zagreb and bring some so he can taste it. I told them how people were crazy about it. I told him that his stuff is, of course, still the best, but that I think he would like it.
"Interesting. You know what, when he comes, bring him to me and we will talk, OK?"
"You sure? I don't want to force anything or offend you or something."
"No, kiddo, you can't disappoint me, I believe you, and I promise he will be accepted like a special guest when he comes."
I told him that Ilija is jealous of him and would like to come here alone with Marko. He understood and agreed with me. We shook hands, and that was it. I just made a deal with my own dealer.
"Thank you, I appreciate your kind gesture, and thank you for the gifts!"
"Don't worry, girl, don't say to anyone, you are my favorite."
He came close to me and whispered that. I was so proud of myself. I couldn't even describe that feeling, and I have first-class stuff in my sleeve. I couldn't wait to take another dose.
"Just be careful with this stuff, it's very strong, OK?"
"OK! So, I don't need to sell that?"
I was showing my dedication to the organization.
"No, girl, this is for you. You can sell it, of course, and that money is yours, OK?!"
"OK!"
Then Ilija came. Thank goodness we finished our talk just in time. It was a close one. He was still angry, looking at me, at the boss.
"So, yes, you have great weapons. You can get a lot of money for it. Especially for those guns."
"Good! That's excellent news. Man, just great news today, my horoscope was right."
He started to laugh, and we joined him because that is just something you do.
"OK, Ilija, you will sell those weapons. You are the best one for that job."
"I will, but I can't take them now, I don't have a car, and we have a date, remember?"
"Yeah, yeah. Date night. You didn't see each other for a long time. Because I'm in a good mood, you can come tomorrow for those guns."
"Great, thank you."
"OK! OK! Shoo, shoo you two."
Ilija grabbed my hand, and we went out in the direction of the club. Scarface was there, waiting. Ilija started walking very fast, and after 10 minutes, he stopped.
"So? What were you two talking about?"
"Nothing, just business. He asked me where I was selling his stuff. Nothing special."
"OH, really. Let me see your hands, pockets, bra, underwear, and socks."
"Why? Are you crazy? It's freezing outside!" But I was still buzzing a little.
"Don't argue with me, just show me."
"Bra and underwear, you are not normal."
"Don't worry, that's all my, anyway, so I can see. You jerk, go and buy us some beers."
"You are totally crazy!"
He started to search me like some police officer, he placed his hand on my chest, I was aroused a little. Then he looked at my socks, and then he put his hand into my underpants. He didn't find anything, but he started to touch my private parts. I was wet very soon. Didn't want that, but the chemistry between us was too strong. I kissed him. He continues to touch my special place in my underwear.
"You are ready, I see. That's good. I will deal with you later; you can't escape."
"I know, OK. We will deal with that later."
He didn't stop kissing me. I was about to scream with enjoyment, but I reconciled myself. He knew that, and he enjoyed it.
"You are going to be so well satisfied, I promise you that."
He continued his kissing and touching. I was so excited I could jump on him, but thank goodness Scarface came with the beers.
We came to the club and the gig was great. We didn't pay the entrance fee, and we were with our friends, enjoying ourselves.
I called my friend to tell him what was happening. I couldn't call him earlier, so now was the time. I asked him to come to the club because I have some good stuff, and I told him that I am going to escape Ilija when the time is right.
"Sorry, please, just came. I will pretend like I didn't expect you, we will be with them for a while, and then escape."
"OK! I was so worried that I was a little angry about you, but now I see what happened. So, OK, I will come. Be there in an hour and a half, OK?!"
"OK! Great! Can't wait. I will go crazy with those idiots."
I hung up, and Ilija was behind me.
"Who were you talking about?"
"No one, just my mother. She is asking me when I will come."
He believed me, and my heart stopped beating hard. I calm myself and get back with others, drinking beer and talking about things that I don't even find interesting: who needs to be beaten, who was beaten, and so on and so on. I need to stay calm for a little longer, then my friend will come, and my plan will become real.