Friends!
Well, here we are again. The nights are drawing in, the leaves are falling, and the family have started behaving rather strangely. There are pumpkins appearing in the house and cobwebs being deliberately hung in corners (which seems unnecessary, as we have perfectly good spiders who could do the job for free).
I have made my feelings about this perfectly clear. I am almost 18 years old. I have survived being run over by a car. I have raised three unruly kittens. I will NOT be wearing a pointy hat.
Unfortunately, Baby Dog is considerably more enthusiastic about these things. Show him a pumpkin-shaped bandana and he thinks he's been invited to a royal wedding.
The Triplets, meanwhile, are fascinated by any kind of decorations. Particularly anything that dangles, rustles or looks expensive to replace.
So, as the oldest and wisest member of the household, I thought I should share a few thoughts about Halloween, particularly how to keep our furry family members safe while the humans enjoy their annual festival of frightening one another.
Now, I appreciate that Halloween is supposed to be scary, but there are some things that genuinely frighten us animals. Take the doorbell, for example. On an ordinary evening, it might ring once or twice. But on Halloween, it rings approximately four thousand times, and every time the door opens, there's a tiny human dressed as a skeleton demanding sweets.
I don't understand the arrangement myself. If I stood on someone's doorstep dressed as a vampire and demanded Dreamies, I suspect there would be complaints.
For nervous cats and dogs, all those strange noises, costumes and unexpected visitors can be genuinely upsetting. My advice? Give your pets somewhere peaceful to retreat to, well away from the front door. A cosy bed, favourite blanket and perhaps some gentle background noise can make a world of difference.
And please, don't force us to meet visitors if we'd rather hide. Sometimes the bravest thing a cat can do is disappear under the bed until November.
Humans seem to spend Halloween handing out perfectly good food to complete strangers. Baby Dog finds this baffling. He believes all food entering the house should be inspected by him personally.
Unfortunately, Halloween sweets can be extremely dangerous for pets. Chocolate is toxic to both cats and dogs, particularly dark chocolate, and should always be kept out of reach. Sugar-free sweets and chewing gum may contain xylitol, which is extremely poisonous to dogs. Even a small amount can cause a serious emergency.
Raisins and grapes are also dangerous for dogs, so beware of Halloween cakes, biscuits and other treats containing them. And don't forget the wrappers! Shiny sweet wrappers are irresistible to curious cats, but swallowing them could cause choking or an intestinal blockage.
If you suspect your pet has eaten something poisonous, contact your vet immediately rather than waiting for symptoms.
Personally, I find it rather insulting that the humans get bowls of chocolate while I am expected to celebrate with the same chicken-flavoured treats I have every Tuesday.
I actually rather like pumpkins. They're round, they're orange, and they're completely useless, which makes them rather similar to some of the toys the humans buy us.
Plain, cooked pumpkin flesh, without seasoning, is generally safe for cats and dogs in small amounts. However, please be careful with carved pumpkins. A candle flickering inside a pumpkin might look beautiful, but an inquisitive cat's whiskers or a wagging dog's tail can easily get too close. Battery-operated candles are a much safer option.
I also recommend keeping pumpkins somewhere young cats cannot knock them over. Percy once managed to send an entire plant pot flying simply by looking at it with enthusiasm.
The Triplets believe Halloween decorations have been provided exclusively for their entertainment.
Dangling ghosts? Cat toys.
Plastic spiders? Cat toys.
Long strings of orange lights? Particularly exciting cat toys.
Unfortunately, ribbons, string, tinsel and dangling decorations can be dangerous if swallowed. Electrical cables are another hazard, particularly for animals who enjoy chewing things they shouldn't.
Small decorations can also be swallowed, and some artificial cobwebs can entangle pets. Keep decorations safely out of reach and supervise any curious animals investigating them.
As for those electronic decorations that suddenly scream when someone walks past... Absolutely not. At my age, I do not require a plastic skeleton leaping out of a cupboard and shouting at me. I have enough excitement living with Baby Dog.
Now, I know some pets enjoy dressing up. Baby Dog, for instance, is quite happy to wear a seasonal bandana and parade around looking pleased with himself. I, however, am a distinguished elderly gentleman. My fur is my costume.
If you do want to dress your pet for Halloween, please make sure the outfit is comfortable, doesn't restrict movement, breathing, hearing or vision, and has no small parts that could be chewed off.
Most importantly, watch your pet's reaction. If they're freezing, struggling, hiding or trying desperately to escape, take the costume off. A photograph is never worth making an animal miserable.
And remember, a perfectly good Halloween photograph can be taken with your pet sitting beside a pumpkin. No humiliation required. Of course, Halloween doesn't have to be all danger and indignity. There are plenty of ways for our humans to include us in the celebrations without frightening us half to death.
Here are a few activities I would personally approve of:
A Halloween treasure hunt. Hide some of our favourite pet-safe treats around a room and let us sniff them out. Baby Dog is particularly good at this, although he occasionally eats the evidence before the game has officially begun.
A pumpkin photoshoot. Arrange some pumpkins, autumn leaves and cosy blankets and let us pose naturally. Treats may be required to secure our cooperation.
A spooky toy surprise. A new pumpkin-shaped soft toy for the dog or a little Halloween-themed catnip toy for the cats can be tremendous fun. Just make sure they're suitable for pets.
A cosy Halloween film night. Put on a family-friendly spooky film, fetch the blankets and invite your pets onto the sofa. I recommend something with absolutely no screaming.
A Halloween treat puzzle. Put some of our usual food into a suitable puzzle feeder so we can enjoy a little seasonal entertainment without overindulging.
A quiet autumn adventure. For dogs who enjoy their walks, a lovely daytime stroll through the autumn leaves can be far more enjoyable than a noisy evening full of fireworks and frightening costumes.
Personally, I shall be celebrating Halloween in my favourite chair, under a blanket, with a small selection of Dreamies. I might permit Mum to place a pumpkin nearby, but that is probably the full extent of my participation.
Although we cats are fortunate enough to live indoors, with our lovely Catio for fresh air, not every animal has that luxury. Halloween can be particularly stressful for outdoor cats and wildlife.
If your cat normally goes outside, it's sensible to keep them safely indoors during the busiest trick-or-treating hours, especially if there are fireworks or lots of unfamiliar people about.
Make sure microchip details are up to date, and take extra care when opening the front door.
And please think about our wild friends too. Discarded decorations, sweet wrappers and artificial cobwebs can harm birds, hedgehogs and other wildlife. A little tidying up after the festivities can make a big difference.
You know, nearly 18 years on this earth, I've come to realise that humans do enjoy making life unnecessarily complicated. They spend money on decorations designed to look like things they would normally pay someone to remove from their houses. They deliberately frighten one another. And they carve perfectly good vegetables into faces. But underneath all the silliness, Halloween is another opportunity to enjoy being together.
So enjoy your pumpkins, your costumes and your spooky celebrations, dear friends. Just remember to look after the little creatures who don't understand what all the fuss is about, because the only thing truly frightening about Halloween would be forgetting that our pets depend on us to keep them safe.
Happy Halloween, everyone!
May your pumpkins glow, your treats be plentiful, and your doorbells remain mercifully silent.
With love, Malcolm xx