Maybe it's been months. Maybe longer. A stressful stretch, a rough patch, a few bad experiences that made it easier to just not try. Now you want to come back, and the thought of it makes your chest tighten.
That's common, and the longer the gap, the heavier it can feel.
Why a long gap raises the stakes
Avoidance feels like relief while it's happening, but it keeps your brain from collecting new evidence. The last memory it has is the difficult one, so that's the prediction it runs. Chapter 2 describes how the brain stores a pattern like "this situation often ends badly" and replays it early, before arousal has a chance to settle.
After a long break, the first attempt also carries an extra meaning: this will tell me whether I'm okay. That's the exact scoreboard thinking that drives performance anxiety.
Plan like a builder, not a gambler
Chapter 9 gives a useful image. A gambler goes in hoping and bets everything on one result. A builder sets conditions that make success more likely and failure less catastrophic. For a return after a long gap, that could mean fewer moving parts, a calmer setting, a slower pace, and no expectation about how far things go.
Redefine success before you start. The book suggests something as simple as "stay relaxed and connected" rather than a specific outcome. When your definition of success is flexible, your nervous system stops treating the evening as a verdict.
Talk first, in a calm window
If your partner doesn't know why things have been quiet, the conversation matters more than any technique. Chapter 7 recommends having it earlier, in a low-stakes setting like a walk, not by the bed. Three short messages: anxiety sometimes hits my body, I may need to slow down, and I still want to be close. That removes the guessing.
Use the practice sessions
Chapter 10 suggests short, low-pressure sessions where the goal is practicing Green Check behaviors: slow breathing, noticing sensation, a gentle pace, calm check-in lines. Think of them as training for attention, not tests.
One caution
If the break came after a change in your sexual function, pain, or something that worries you physically, see a clinician as well. Working on the anxiety side is helpful either way, but it isn't a substitute for ruling things out.
You could start with Chapter 8 tonight. Performance: Unlocked is $39, instant download, in my Shop.