Here's the thing about surviving an abusive narcissist...the trauma stays with you for years. Decades, even.
And just when you think you might be turning a corner, BAM! Another memory pops up out of nowhere, sending you spiraling into that hellish darkness once again.
That's been the case with me lately. I know I promised to tell the story of my first marriage to yet another abusive narcissist, but ever since that declaration, memories and nightmares have added to the emotional burden I bear already.
I forget how it started, but something triggered the memory of all the mutual friends I had with my ex-monster, heretofore known as the "wasband," who abandoned me, turned their backs, and openly embraced the lies he spewed about our relationship and divorce. Out of about a dozen friends, only one stayed with me. Believed me. Supported me.
Yes, I asked these people to take sides. I did not, however, expect them to come down on the side of that lying, abusive monster. They didn't want to deal with conflict; it was easier to go along with my wasband's facade than to face the reality of what he'd done behind closed doors. This is what SA survivors must deal with: people don't believe them because it makes it makes those people look more closely at individuals they think they know, and they don't want to be forced to look beyond the surface. It makes them uncomfortable.
And they will choose their comfort over your well-being almost every time.
Over 20 years later, the scars of their betrayal are still fresh, while they have gone about their lives without a second thought to what they tacitly enabled.
This is reality. And yeah, it sucks.
It made me realize I'm not yet ready to dive back into that cesspool. Not yet. But soon. Gotta deal with some nightmares first.
Until next time,
Liz