This is my manifesto. I am no longer keeping quiet about my journey with Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm owning it, loudly, because it is a part of me, but it does not define me.
This blog means so much to me, and I will tell you why I’m writing it. Ten years ago, at the confirmation of my BPD diagnosis, I was desperate for resources. I had never heard of Borderline Personality Disorder until that time, and I was desperate for answers. I researched as often as possible to find any trace of connection with another human being going through the same hell as me.
Instead, what I found were articles, forums, and books villainizing us. Calling us narcissistic, toxic, and manipulating. That was one of the most isolating experiences I’ve ever dealt with. There are very few social media posts, blog posts, books, or articles that highlight anything positive about this disorder. However, there is a ton of advice and support readily available for spouses, family members, and friends “dealing” with a borderline person.
Why not start by putting out the first fire? We can create more positive resources and build a community for those of us who suffer from this. In turn, it wouldn’t be as much of an issue for family members, spouses, and friends to navigate a relationship with us, because we would have the tools to take care of ourselves.
That’s why I wanted to create a blog with positive resources for other people like me. I am writing this blog to empower myself and so many others who, like me, are navigating this disorder. Our identities are already unsteady enough, and we need stability in our lives. That’s why I created my manifesto; within it lies specific declarations of who I am, what I am doing to help myself, and what I will not allow in my life. These are my non-negotiable rules.
Owning my BPD means radical self-acceptance, even the parts of my personality I fought for a long time to get rid of. It's speaking out about all of the struggles I've overcome so far, and preparing for any that await me in the future.
I've lost jobs, friends, and family, been hospitalized, all while traversing this disorder. I almost lost my marriage, and I even lost myself for a little while. I've been the victim of different types of abuse in my life, even as an adult. This is not an easy thing to live with. It consists of intense, overwhelming emotions, oftentimes without warning. That is my reality of living with BPD.
Although the last two decades have felt like I'm navigating 9 levels of hell, I've found pockets of sunshine along the way. Some strengths having this disorder has given me are: resilience, empathy, sensitivity, and passion, just to name a few. By owning this disorder, I can channel my energy into my strengths rather than constantly fighting myself.
I'm choosing to finally speak out, unfiltered and raw, because that's exactly what Borderline Personality Disorder is: unfiltered and raw. Having this means crying on the floor at midnight because you're in such tremendous emotional suffering. Having this means not knowing who you are because your idea of self is so static, you can't make sense of your own identity. Being borderline means dealing with the rage, the emptiness, the loneliness, and the possible addictions that come along with this disorder. It is not for the faint of heart, and neither is this blog.
For everyone who reads this blog who is either diagnosed or undiagnosed BPD, I hope you find some solace. You are not alone. We are everywhere; we've just been shamed into not speaking about it. And for those of you who do not know what it is like having this disorder, I hope this sheds some light on it and destroys some of the stigma that's been surrounding us all this time.
I promise to meet myself with compassion, to yell my truth to the top of my lungs, and to embrace my whole self, both my light and my shadow, with no apologies.
Welcome to The Borderline Manifesto.